I'm sorry for the days I yelled one too many times.
And for the days that started off on the wrong foot because I was sick and exhausted.
I'm truly sorry that there haven't been more fairy tales, and make believe games and visits to the park in recent months.
I can only hope I'll be able to make it all up to you from this point forward…and actively work on being the Mom I used to be before I got "sick".
I remember a conversation I had with my oldest son a month or more ago. I asked his forgiveness for a bad Mommy day. He said he forgave me. In fact, he said…
"I'll always forgive you."
It melted me and broke me at the same time.
I can only hope I can forgive myself.
#####
I got my blood work back. I'm deficient in b12 and magnesium. I suspected the magnesium was playing a small role, but didn't suspect b12. I looked into it and realize how very serious this deficiency can be, and that I am exhibiting many of the classic/serious signs.
I'm on a high dose supplement right now, but if I don't see an improvement within a few days, I'll be asking for the b12 shots. I'm left to wonder why it took so long (since 2008) to get this diagnosis, when it doesn't appear to be that difficult to diagnose.
I move forward, hopeful that I can reverse many of the symptoms I've been dealing with…anxious and hopeful.
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Close your eye
s my dear little ones, and let the dreaming fairy's whisk you away to a magical land.
A land where you'll float on a fluffy white cloud and beautifully colored singing birds will drop brightly colored candies into your open hands.
And as quickly as you landed on that cloud in that land, you'll be carried away to a new place just as fantastical.
Maybe now you're a pirate caught up in a heated sword fight where you always win. Or maybe you're a super hero flying through the sky saving everyone from their uncertain fate. No matter the details, the truth will remain that most of the time you'll be the hero and you'll enjoy your dreams.
But, my darlings, should your dreams take a turn for the frightening, please don't fret… always remember that as soon as you were dropped into that scary dream you'll be hurried off into a new one very soon… a new place, a new land and a new time. And should it scare you so much that you awake, my arms are always waiting for you to fill them with your fear.
Sweet ones, embrace your nightly fairy tales and always enjoy the time where your imagination makes its own reality in your dreams.
I still do.
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The funniest moments will flash a wave of grief over my heart like the mighty ocean tossing and turning during a hurricane.
I can be watching television, or driving, or listening to the radio, or simply sitting on my porch and the littlest thing will wash over a feeling of grief I've thought had long since been buried.
Just such a moment happened last week while watching American Idol.
One of the Idol 
hopefuls brought her little brother with her to the audition. And oh how he adored his big sis. The feeling was mutual and lovely and painful for me to watch.
The next thing I know I'm bawling. I'm literally balled up on the couch, in the fetal position, crying my eyes out. We're talking full on ugly cry. And each time I have an oh-so-raw moment like that I'm taken aback a bit thinking, "How can I still be this sad?"
Each time I mourn 
my brother I go back to him as a child…I think of him aged 5 or 8 or 10. He was such a sensitive little thing. And very kind and gentle and loving. But fragile… very, very fragile.
I was his protector and friend and confidant. Always there for him and he for me. We loved each other so much. Being homeschooled, and growing up in a very tumultuous environment, probably had a lot to do with our bond.
But I lost h
im.
I lost him when he became a teenager. I lost him to drugs and alcohol. I lost him to mental illness. I lost him to a large group of people he thought were his friends. I lost him to emotional pain he'd never admit to.
He changed. I'd never know that sweet 10 year old boy that I loved so much. That I still love so much.
I wish I could go ba
ck in time and tell that brother goodbye. Oh to be able to hold him in my arms again and let him be weak and dependent on my strength again. And to love him and tell him how much I would miss him.
And to go back and warn him. Warn him of the demons that would come knocking soon. The things that would take him away from us forever. And away from himself. The things that would end up leading him down the path to taking his friend from everyone who loved him.
I lost him as a teenager and now… now I've lost him to prison.
He's
slowly being institutionalized and changed into a prisoner. A person I don't know. A person I don't like much, if I'm being honest.
He's so far from that little guy I played with and shared secrets with and laughed with. On occasion I catch a fleeting glimpse of that sweet little boy that needed me for shelter. And truth me told, when I catch that glimpse I think it hurts more than it comforts.
I miss him.
He's gone. He's been gone for 20 years. But I'll never forget the little boy I called my best friend for 10 years. And I'll never stop mourning him.
######
If you want to see the pictures enlarged, click here.
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She said, "here's the astronaut gear" as she placed this vented 'mask' over my face while I laid flat on my back. My head was in a vice…okay, so maybe not a vice but I was locked in there pretty good.
I had an IV in my arm for the die to push through my veins and into my head. With ear phones on with Christian music, I was pushed into the closed MRI.
For the next 40 minutes I listened to my heart beating in my head and a whole bunch of brain thumping noise coming from the machine. I'm still totally unsure as to why they put ear phones on you, as I heard nothing but the noise of the machine.
I didn't move. Not one bit. No hands, no feet, no cough, nothing… just swallowing. For heaven's sake, I didn't want to end up repeating this process again.
As I laid perfectly still in this tube, my mind wandered. It wandered a lot. And I had many conversations with God. Not about anything morbid and heavy, as I have a good amount of peace, but rather it wandered to what I want to do with my future. It wandered to my 'to-do' list. In between wandering, I flinched a couple of times due to the brain throbbing pain from the noises in the tube. And then it went back to talking with God and thinking about life in general.
Now it's a waiting game. They don't tell you anything while you're there. Though I'm certain that if anything is obviously wrong the techs can tell… but they don't let on. I wait and pray that it isn't anything serious. And if there is something wrong, it's easily healed.
It might sound silly for someone to want to find something out… but after you've lived with pain left undiagnosed for so long you just want to know so you can take care of it and get on with life. And when ones health turns for the worse in only the span of a weeks time, one is even more hurried to find the root of the problem.
Today I go on with my daily life. I wipe my sick kids noses, hope my oldest son makes it through school today (poor guy still doesn't feel good) and will try and take a nap and rest. I'm sure I'll think about it and I'll jump every time the phone rings…but it'll be another day, like any other.
Well, kinda.
EDITED: Saw the doctor today. I have new symptoms and old ones are getting worse. The MRI was fine. That is good and not good. Good… no brain tumors. Bad… no idea what is going on. I have a ton of blood work scheduled for tomorrow morning. She is checking my adrenals and a plethora of other stuff. I can't keep this up much longer before I lose my mind. I feel like I could go on that mystery diagnosis show.
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I've debated whether or not to share what's going on in my life right now or not. The reason being, is that I'm not sure what is going on. But, because I'm concerned… I've decided to go ahead and do so, so that I can develop group of prayer warriors.
I've had a lot of mysterious health symptoms in the past month. Really, in the past 1-2 years. But this past month they've gotten worse and a few strange ones have popped up.
Among extreme fatigue, muscle weakness, muscle twitches and other general symptoms… I'm now dealing with a slow loss of my vision, horrible headaches and pressure in my head. A sinus that is draining, even with antibiotics — hypoglycemia and adrenaline issues… just to name a few.
I went to see my chiropractor, who does nutritional testing, and he has alerted to problems with my pituitary gland and adrenal glands. It's possible I've just burned them out and drained them… I suppose. It's possible everything will correct itself, but because there is a family history of Pituitary Gland tumors in my family, and because all my symptoms are falling under that, I'm going to see a medical doctor this week for tests.
I don't know if they'll test for other possible problems, but I really need prayers that the doctor will have an open mind to listen to me… take my concerns into consideration (not just making up his/her own mind without listening to me) and give me a thorough work up of tests to figure out what's going on.
I've been on a fast spiraling downward over the past few days and I do believe that time is of the essence right now.
Mind you, I'm not thinking the worse (and even if it were a tumor, most are not cancerous) and I'm believing that, whatever is wrong, can and will be fixed easily. But I need a solid diagnosis. Now that I'm healthy (no more yeast), I know this has nothing to do with my diet… there is something really real going on.
So, thanks for listening and praying… I'll keep you posted.
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Bubbly, happy, super silly, joyful and carefree…
I need more of this in my life.
I feel these beautiful words dancing around, right above me, about to land on my soul at any minute.
I'm oh-so-ready to choose happiness again.
What about you?
Care to join me in choosing happiness and joy and carefree silliness?
Filed under Deep, Talking by . 6 Comments.
If you were to ask me what I remember most about my teen years, I'd tell you I remember how desperately alone I felt. How deeply I needed to be loved by a boy. How I'd sit in my bedroom at night, with the lights off, staring out the window at the stars and would pray to God {often crying} that he'd send me someone that would love me forever.
I'd write poetry in my notebook about all my deep and sad emotions. Sure on the outside I was a happy girl. I laughed and joked and had a great time with my friends. I enjoyed working and spending time with my family. But when I was alone with myself and my thoughts… well — I was always that little girl that never felt special or loved or wanted by her Father.
And no 
matter how much I told myself I hated him, or he didn't matter to me, it was all lies. I lied to myself, to God and to everyone around me. It got to the point where I could think of him, and talk about him, and never break into tears. I hardened myself to that pain.
But I'd long for a boy to love me so badly that my heart physically ached for it. It ached for the replacement of my Father. And this is a dangerous place to be as a teenaged girl, because there are a lot of boys who'd be interested in taking advantage of a girl like that.
I sit here as a grown 
woman now, with her own family of boys. Three little boys and one grown up boy. And they are all mine and they all love me so much. I now feel so complete and safe and wanted. The feelings I desired too much as a teenager, I'm now overwhelmed with.
Oh how I wish I could go back in time and hold that Nell. Softly stroke her long black hair, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she'll be loved one day. And that even though she'll never have a relationship with her Father, she'll eventually come to terms with it and be okay. It won't be perfect, but it'll be okay.
And one day… well, one day she'll be swimming with boys and comfort and safety and all of the bounty that love brings. They'll heal her hole. They'll fill her emptiness. They'll be for her what her Father never could be. And even though she'll always have a part of her heart that wishes she had a 'Daddy', she'll feel so unbelievably filled up that she was able to give her boys their Daddy.
Filed under Deep, Family, raw by . 17 Comments.
I've updated my about page to include an email address and mailing address. I can't believe I didn't have any contact information there. :doh!:
I've added a few new pages:
Words – highlights a few of my most favorite posts.
Love – I updated this page to add a list of things I love.
Orphan – Like my 'Make a Difference' page, this page shares my heart about an extreme need in the world that captures me. And like 'Make a Difference' it also share some ideas for making a difference in the lives of these precious little orphans.
I'm now on Facebook — hope to see you there.
Thank You
From the very bottom of my deep, beating heart; I want to thank you for your friendship and love towards me. I've met so many lovely women via the world wide blog web, and without you all, my life wouldn't be half as rich and wonderful and fun and sweet.
Every single comment touches me, makes me smile, makes me feel something. I reply to them on the blog, and via email often, and will be doing more of that because, really, your comments do mean that much to me.
I hope I can meet each and every one of you in person one day. Though I'm not signed up for any blog conferences this year {hello, money is tight.}, maybe one day I'll make it and meet you.
In the meantime, lets connect through twitter and blogs and email…mmmkay?
Wishing you the most loveliest of days possible!
Your Friend,
Nell
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I've been 'down' sick for the past few days. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Brain fog, general feeling of being unwell, and as though my body was fighting an infection.
Luckily I decided to see my chiropractor for nutritional testing Friday. In the process of checking on allergies, intolerance's, problems with my body; he discovered that I'm fighting a sinus infection.
Now that I trace my symptoms back, I believe I've been dealing with this for months and no one ever caught it. I wasn't really presenting with some of the typical symptoms until the recent days.
I decided to take the herbal remedy he offers, but decided today that I'd be going in to the doctor Monday for an antibiotic. If I have been suffering with this for months, and since I'm having symptoms of it in my head (pressure/water rushing in my head and brain fog), I know I need to kick this out of my system soon.
Though I hate the thought of antibiotics in my system, I am happy to know I have cut my overgrowth of yeast! Awesome news. I'll just need to take an antifungal during and after the antibiotics, and load my gut with good bacteria, so this antibiotic doesn't undo all my healing.
So because I've all but been down for the count, and haven't had anything interesting to blog about — or even a brain cell left to use — I've dug through my video archives and found this super sweet video to share.
Mr. Nicky and baby Dash on day one of his birth. :–) I almost can't believe this was taken only one year ago, the baby has changed so much. Even my sweet little Nicker-bocker has grown so much!
The excitement in my voice makes me smile. Oh that precious baby high!
Filed under Family, Talking by . 9 Comments.
