Nick had his first school concert tonight.
The school was packed.
Kids, grandparents, parents, siblings, friends… everyone there to witness this grand occasion.
It felt like we were all gathered together for some magnificent life event… and in a way, it really was.
The kids were all so good. They knew their words and the motions associated with each one.
Daddy and I sat in the very front row. We both had a digital device in our hands. He kept looking over at us and smiling. I soaked in the moments because very soon he'll be embarrassed by his parents sitting in the front row with cameras flashing.
I teared up, laughed, smiled, cheered and sat in silence taking it all in.
I don't know how my baby boy matured so quickly but he did and it makes me beam.
{pictures straight out of the camera}
(he is in the red shirt, next to the blue scrubs boy.)
And this is what Zane did at home…
More parenting moments like these please :–)
Filed under Family, Kids by . 2 Comments. 
Isn't it funny how your attitude can change from one day to another?
The other day I wrote this overwhelmed and whining post. My life hasn't changed since then. In fact, our van broke down on us again today. It's sitting out on the drive way leaking fluid. It is the grace of God that pushed that vehicle all the way home so that I wasn't broken down on a two lane highway with all three children and no phone.
But somehow it doesn't matter. I know we'll be taken care of. He's never let us drift out in this troubling world alone and He never will. It's never His will when things go wrong. And He never "lets it happen" for any reason. He is a God of love and grace. He isn't a God of hate and anger and bitterness. He never turns His back on His people.
It's we who give in to the bad around us. It's we who don't rely on Him, trust Him and use the authority He has given us on this earth. I know this. I've known this. I've always known it but it's hard to see it when you're in the muck and the mire sometimes.
God is a good God.
And Jesus is my precious Savior – friend – Daddy.
The Holy Spirit is my guide.
I know that while we stand in the midst of crud right now, we will not stand here long. And while we're here… we'll be holding on to Him and His truths.
Oh how I love Him.
Oh yes, how I do.
And how He loves me!
And you.
Filed under Deep by . 6 Comments.
been behind here a lot today.
i feel comfortable being there.
not always comfortable in front of that…
but behind it, feels good.
snapping pictures of randomness and loveliness and sweetness.
remembering why it is that my eyes always feel better behind the view finder.
life is much grander.
and a whole lot more beautiful.
behind the lens.
i've needed grandness and beauty.
feel good today.
Filed under photography by . 8 Comments.
…warmth, wind, rain, growth, newness, life, renewal…
{it's beginning, friends. oh thank you Jesus, Spring is on its way.}
(pictures from last year)
{i'll be making an important announcement in the coming weeks (possibly days), so stay tuned.}
Filed under Show-Me-State Fun by . 6 Comments.
i feel like complaining.
i feel it.
life is so hard for us right now.
husband working two jobs and still we barely get by.
i had a {once} successful business but now that we have three children it isn't successful enough…
we struggle.
three children cost a lot, people.
our neighbors are putting in hardwood floors.
they do a lot to their home.
i mean — A LOT.
they also don't have children.
since the fall we've all been sick.
right now diarrhea is running through the family – again.
and i'm having a rough day with my health again today.
it's up and down still.
my middle son's undiagnosed stomach problems are so bad that he can't even drink water without IBS symptoms.
his body is that inflamed.
and yet, his doctor says 'this is normal'.
back on his strict diet he goes until we can get to the bottom of it.
when will life get easier?
soon.
please.
i don't complain and moan and cry and pout and feel sorry for myself like this often.
but when i do…
it consumes me…
for the day.
i'll wake up a little better tomorrow, i know.
i won't feel sorry for myself.
as much.
but i'll still feel buried and overwhelmed.
by life.
i remember when everything was lighter.
i want that.
now.
or soon.
or to know it's coming back…
a husband that works one job…income enough to pay all the bills and have some left over.
a child that can eat without being in pain.
and energy and health every day — not this fleeting thing that comes and goes.
i'm not asking much.
if only i had a crystal ball and could peer into the future.
it might lift me up on days like this.
{end of pouty baby rant}
the newness has yet to wear off.
the newness of being his mommy.
the newness of being mommy to them all.
waking up each morning to their tiny voices.
going to bed each night feeling fulfilled and at peace.
the reality of my 'job' as their mommy still feels new.
the knowledge of my importance in their life… still new.
how much they need me when they're sick, want me when they're well, and love me — fresh and new.
i'm still their super hero but they are the ones that saved me.
i hope it always feels this new and exciting and a little bit scary.
{because}
being this in-love makes me feel complete and so very special.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids by . 9 Comments.
He spent the day with his Grandparents, Sunday, he and his little brother.
They played at the park, were spoiled at the store, and helped Grandpa build & create.
They both had a lot of fun… always do.
In the middle of his play date the phone rang here. My husband answered, it was my father-in-law… soon after, my husband called out for me, "phone".
It's Nicky…
I gave him a perplexed look and answered the call.
Hello?
Hi Mama.
Hi honey.
Silence.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Silence.
How is your day going, Mama?
Good.
{i smile}
Love you, Mama.
Love you too honey.
Bye.
Bye.
#################
Last night my husband was gone working, so it was me and my lonesome holding down the fort.
After a long day getting lost downtown in route to a specialist appointment, blood work, and traffic on the way back, I just wanted to relax and be alone.
The baby went down easily.
My middle son fell asleep quickly.
Not my oldest, Nicky.
He was awake.
Wide.
The rain scared him.
The dark.
He wandered out to the living room where I was.
We finished watching Jason and Molly's Wedding together.
During the wedding I day dreamed about our vow renewal ceremony and what that would look like for us.
My husband and I have said we'll renew our vows on our 10th year wedding anniversary. It's 2 years away but fun to think about and dream about.
I thought about having my two older boys walk me down the aisle and my baby being the ring boy, or somehow part of the ceremony too.
During the show my boy and I began talking about "mommy and daddy getting married again" and what he'd like to see.
"Me and Zanie would walk you down the aisle and Dash would be with Daddy."
Sometimes I feel we share the same brain.
And always the same heart.
We had a "sleep over party" in the living room that night.
He on a special "bed" of blankets and pillows on the floor, me on the couch.
It was special.
Just like him.
Just like our relationship.
May it always be this sweet.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids by . 19 Comments.
I don't believe I've taken part in a writing challenge since highschool – and it was long over due – so here I am taking part in Stephanie's 'couch challenge'. Don't know what I'm talking about? Interested in writing with us? Click here to read about it.
The beginning of the challenge was the most difficult part. I started writing words – just a bunch of words – strewn into sentences. And as I got deeper into it, the theme of the writing grew all on its own. It wasn't forced, it happened naturally, and it felt good to let it 'just happen'.
Something Old, Something Plaid, Something Treasured
O
ld plaid love seat that rocks.
Hole in the arm where our Golden Retrieve, Hunter, ate it for lunch.
Given to us by our in-laws when we moved into this cozy little house of ours.
It's got a matching partner to the right of it, bigger and nicer than the love seat, but not as cozy.
In front of us is a large picture window that lets the faint starlight in, and casts shadows on the midnight floor.
I lay down on my right side, pillows perfectly placed under my head, blanket wrapping the both of us. My large, nursing Mother's breast exposed.
His small sweet baby head, filled with dark hair, attached to said breast, nursing as he falls asleep.
Rocking the love seat ever so gently, with the strength of my body, I breathe in the smells of the nursing baby and listen as another episode of Cheers plays on the screen in front of me.
Sounds of a peaceful baby, a creaking old love seat, and contentment drift in and out of my ears.
This moment in time, with this plaid couch holding me and my baby, carries all my hopes and dreams and love.
{i really did write this with pen and paper and in three minutes. it was difficult not to edit, re-edit, and then do a little bit more editing. took me outside my comfort zone and ended up being a whole lotta fun.}
Filed under Blog Stuff, Deep, Family by . 18 Comments.
Remember when you were a teenager, in love for the first time{s), and you'd wear your boyfriends jacket when he wasn't there so you could smell him?
Or you'd dab a bit of his cologne, or even just smell you clothes when you got home from a date, and remember him?
Please tell me that wasn't just me?
And you know, I still do that.
Yesterday I dabbed a bit of his cologne on my arm and each time I ran my fingers through my hair I'd smell him.
Sometimes I dream about him.
Often I look through older photographs, or home movies, and reminisce of how our love began.
It isn't always perfect.
Sometimes we fight or say hurtful things.
Occasionally we get annoyed with one another and want our space.
Ours isn't a fairy tale love story.
Who's is?
But it's good and real and fun.
He still floats my boat.
And I still excite his emotions.
Kids get in the way. Work gets in the way. Bills and stress and life, too.
But we always manage to find our way back to the foundation of our love for one another…
Friendship and laughter.
Ours isn't a perfect love, but it's a good and real love.
Filed under Deep, Marriage by . 11 Comments.
My breathing was labored.
My feet aching.
My ears burning from the cold wind that whipped through my long hair and past my hoodie.
Dodging cars traveling on their way home, I walked at a fast pace with my old man, Jackson.
{not my "old man" — my old dog man.}
Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of him.
He was all of 15 or 16, riding on a skate board, long black hair that looked as though it hadn't seen a shower in months.
I heard him coming up behind me.
I thought, "please pass me".
He didn't.
Walking right next to me, holding his board, he begins to talk with me as though we were best friends.
hi.
um, hi – i say nervously.
this is my new board. i've had it since christmas but still can't ride it very well.
oh, really.
{I'm walking a little faster now. I don't want to be bothered and he's making me uneasy.}
how long have you been skate boarding? i ask. did i really just ask him a question? did i just engage this boy that is kinda creeping me out?
about two years.
silence from us both.
we walk a few more feet. i'm looking ahead. or at my dog. or at the other neighbor coming towards us.
what kind of dog do you have?
a sheltie.
silence.
kinda like a mini collie in a way. he's 10.
Oh really? I have a dog. She's the best.
what kind? – i ask. maybe this kid is just a sweet kid who wants someone to talk to him, i think to myself.
bichon frise – i think. i don't really know how to say the name.
oh, those are cute dogs.
i slow my pace.
i look over at him.
suddenly he doesn't look so goth and dirty.
suddenly he looks like an innocent teenager just begging for someone to engage with him.
nice weather today.
yes, it is.
kind of chilly with the wind.
i smile at him.
i wonder to myself – do you know i'm 31? are you really interested in talking to an "old" person?
where do you live? on this street? i ask, because i'd never noticed him before.
yea. well, up at the top. this is just a long street.
he turns to walk in the grass…
well, it was nice talking to you.
you too, i say.
and i meant it.
i walked away feeling terrible about myself but good about humanity.
terrible because i judged this boy before i got to know him.
all i thought about was gun toting, bad attitude, mad at the world goth type boys that have a chip on their shoulder the size of texas.
do i know any people like this?
no.
have i ever?
not really. just stereotypes you see in the news or on tv on rare occasion.
i judged him.
me!
i like to think i never judge.
or rarely.
but i did.
and he was just a sweet kid.
a nice kid.
a hungry kid.
i'm honored and humbled that i appeared open enough for this young man to approach me and start a conversation with me like he did.
and embarrassed with my initial reaction.
he taught me a lot about me.
opened my eyes to the stereo-types and fears that live somewhere deep in my mind.
to things i need to address.
i'll carry this encounter, that he'll not think twice about, for the rest of my life.
thank you stringy haired, skate board riding boy.
Filed under , Deep by . 11 Comments.
