My breathing was labored.
My feet aching.
My ears burning from the cold wind that whipped through my long hair and past my hoodie.
Dodging cars traveling on their way home, I walked at a fast pace with my old man, Jackson.
{not my "old man" — my old dog man.}
Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of him.
He was all of 15 or 16, riding on a skate board, long black hair that looked as though it hadn't seen a shower in months.
I heard him coming up behind me.
I thought, "please pass me".
He didn't.
Walking right next to me, holding his board, he begins to talk with me as though we were best friends.
hi.
um, hi – i say nervously.
this is my new board. i've had it since christmas but still can't ride it very well.
oh, really.
{I'm walking a little faster now. I don't want to be bothered and he's making me uneasy.}
how long have you been skate boarding? i ask. did i really just ask him a question? did i just engage this boy that is kinda creeping me out?
about two years.
silence from us both.
we walk a few more feet. i'm looking ahead. or at my dog. or at the other neighbor coming towards us.
what kind of dog do you have?
a sheltie.
silence.
kinda like a mini collie in a way. he's 10.
Oh really? I have a dog. She's the best.
what kind? – i ask. maybe this kid is just a sweet kid who wants someone to talk to him, i think to myself.
bichon frise – i think. i don't really know how to say the name.
oh, those are cute dogs.
i slow my pace.
i look over at him.
suddenly he doesn't look so goth and dirty.
suddenly he looks like an innocent teenager just begging for someone to engage with him.
nice weather today.
yes, it is.
kind of chilly with the wind.
i smile at him.
i wonder to myself – do you know i'm 31? are you really interested in talking to an "old" person?
where do you live? on this street? i ask, because i'd never noticed him before.
yea. well, up at the top. this is just a long street.
he turns to walk in the grass…
well, it was nice talking to you.
you too, i say.
and i meant it.
i walked away feeling terrible about myself but good about humanity.
terrible because i judged this boy before i got to know him.
all i thought about was gun toting, bad attitude, mad at the world goth type boys that have a chip on their shoulder the size of texas.
do i know any people like this?
no.
have i ever?
not really. just stereotypes you see in the news or on tv on rare occasion.
i judged him.
me!
i like to think i never judge.
or rarely.
but i did.
and he was just a sweet kid.
a nice kid.
a hungry kid.
i'm honored and humbled that i appeared open enough for this young man to approach me and start a conversation with me like he did.
and embarrassed with my initial reaction.
he taught me a lot about me.
opened my eyes to the stereo-types and fears that live somewhere deep in my mind.
to things i need to address.
i'll carry this encounter, that he'll not think twice about, for the rest of my life.
thank you stringy haired, skate board riding boy.
Filed under , Deep by . 11 Comments. 
Thinking about this post, and the responses to it, I began searching my soul even more for what true beauty is. What *I* think beauty is.
What makes a woman beautiful and appealing?
- Wisdom
- Compassion
- Joy
- Selflessness
- Smarts
- The ability to laugh at herself
- A woman who can be, not only comfortable in her own skin, but own it and love it.
And gray hair.
I've got a few.
Do you?
I look at those hairs as a badge of my growth and maturity in life.
And right now, at this stage in my life, I'm not covering them up… nor do I want to. I actually find them quite beautiful and like to search them out in the mirror.
Gray hair – women who "rock" their grays – that is beauty to me.
Woman with gray hair always appear authentic and confident.
And those two qualities are beauty in my eyes.
{two ladies from my Mom's church}
{Paula Dean}
{Emmy Lou Harris}
In the coming days I'll be sharing more about my definition of {real} beauty.
What is yours?
Filed under Fashion, Talking by . 18 Comments.
The weather broke.
I saw robins today.
Greeted neighbors with a smile and friendly word about the beautiful weather.
Everyone seems so happy.
My dog walked with me. 10 years old and still going strong.
Geese flooded the little pond at the end of the neighborhood – their honks filled my ears and beckoned Jack to chase them.
It is all so so good.
But the best?
I'm physically able to get out and walk/jog again.
My body is still under an attack but it's winning the battle.
And the weather changing over can only help.
Filed under Show-Me-State Fun, Talking, running by . 9 Comments.
I was watching Oprah interview Jessica Simpson today about real beauty.
I was happy to see Jessica finally come out and accept an interview, talk about the "mom jean" controversy and some other things.
I blogged about her "mom jean" bashing and still believe that, although the jeans looked hideous, she didn't look overweight.
{not that being overweight should be the crime it has become.}
She also showed clips from her upcoming series {i plan to watch} about beauty around the world.
And after Lisa Ling's clip showing little {beautiful!} Chinese girls preferring the blond haired, blue eyed, big breasted Barbies to Chinese dolls it got me thinking about me.
I find Asian women to be insanely beautiful. Their long, thick jet black hair and beautiful almond shaped eyes and that skin… what isn't to love? They are exotic, to say the least, and perfect little noses. I've always found them so beautiful and if I could adopt a girl I would choose an Asian girl.
Yet many of them want to look like "western" women.
I thought about myself as a teen… even now, really. About how much I hated my looks. I hated my black hair, my white skin, my big nose.
It made me feel bad about myself when all these totally smoking hot, incredibly beautiful {by most people's standards} girls I worked with would get all the attention and looks from the boys.
I was totally insecure with my looks.
I didn't, and still don't, have the typical/standard good looks that some women have.
I've always been told my look is "different" and "unique".
And you know what I'd hear when people would say that?
ugly.
you.
are.
ugly.
…but I feel bad about telling you the truth, so I'll tell you something so that I don't have to be honest.
So I went from this…
To this…
Wanna know what?
guys loved it!
girls loved it.
everyone thought the "transformation" was great.
I turned heads. I turned hearts.
My eyes were happy when I'd look in the mirror.
I tanned a lot – too much.
I fried my hair with color and styling – but darned if I didn't look good.
And I felt good about myself.
Then I had kids.
I stopped fake baking.
I stopped coloring my hair.
My body never looked the same again.
And I turned back into that "before" picture, with long black hair – white skin – that just felt average.
But something happened with time and aging and maturity.
I grew into myself a little.
I began to see the beauty of my natural self.
There are things I'd change if I could.
My nose for one.
Still hate it. HATE it.
{don't lie and say my nose isn't big. i know it is. }
But now… now I look at my high cheek bones and see my Indian heritage.
I look at my dark, black hair and see my Great- Grandmother.
I look at my freckled {from the fake baking}, damaged skin and wish like heck that I wouldn't have sunned it as much as I did. I look back on my old pictures and now see how beautiful my creamy, white skin was. And I look at the skin I have now and wouldn't dream of baking it in the sun again.
I'm not totally there yet. Are we ever? Do we ever fully see the beauty of ourselves?
Yet, I have come a long way.
And now… now I look at pictures from my youth and recognized how pretty I really was.
Most importantly, I look at current pictures and accept that I have unique beauty — that "unique" doesn't mean "ugly".
Filed under Deep, Talking by . 35 Comments.
Jake {the bachelor} mentioned several times that he was himself with Vienna and I saw that during this season, too. He was silly and light hearted and seemed more comfortable in his skin around her. Though she wasn't my pick, I saw their connection and realness around each other.
{And seeing them on the 'after the final rose' show, I now think he made the right decision.}
Watching them together made me think of me and my husband.
I dated a few people before meeting my husband. And though there were special connections with those guys, something was always missing. I wasn't my true, authentic self with those boys like I am with my husband.
We were always so ourselves with each other, from the very beginning. I'm a super silly, light-hearted, funny, slightly sarcastic person and he not only brought those qualities/sides out in me, he shared those qualities too.
We've always been able to laugh and have a true friendship. Spending time with each other always lights our lives up. We are truly ourselves, and nothing else in the world matters when we're alone with one another.
I feel it's most important that, for a marriage to work, you have to be comfortable being yourself with your mate. And your mate must feel the same. And you both need to love who the other person is… their true self, their authentic self.
I'm so blessed that I have that with my husband.
I love him dearly.
For always.
And together we've created our silly little family.
I love that we're all silly together.
There's no tension.
Just laughter….mostly!
P.S.
It's a good thing my husband loves natural beauty because this is how I usually look — casual {the name of the blog and my twitter account really does fit me} and with no makeup {like here} or very little. We're both very low maintenance and it's so freeing! He loves me for me. For reals, people. *smile*
Filed under Deep, Family, Marriage by . 10 Comments.
