Moments float by, easily missed in the mayhem of each day.
The noise and the pulling and tugging of daily tasks keep one's mind busy and unfocused.
So many moments are left to move on without me, leaving me sitting on the sidelines with fatigue.
but in their place are the moments that might never have seemed that important before…
might never have been special or picture worthy.
Now, those moments fill my heart with a joy not defined by words.
Appreciating each day I have with them.
Truly appreciating.
Like Nick and Zane climbing the ladder their Daddy is using to put in a new ceiling fan…. making their "mean" faces while I snap the picture that will live on long past that moment in time.
And walking into the kitchen, where Zane plays nosily with his lego's, finding him in his Daddy's hat on backwards.I stopped, looking at how grown up he has become. How did he get so grown up so fast?
While laying down on the couch, catching a much needed moment to rest I look over at my "baby", who doesn't look a whole lot like a baby anymore, I over hear him talking on the phone to "Daddy". He looks at the phone, smiles wide and shows me those big beautiful teeth that fill his mouth so perfectly, and squeals. I sigh, sucking in the joy that is floating through my home, and appreciate each moment I have with my beautiful children.
I'm not the mom I once was. I'm not capable of taking long hikes, chasing them through the yard or going to the zoo on a hot summers day…
I miss that mom and I know they do too.
But no matter what my body is telling me, my heart will always find a way to appreciate and live fully (whatever that looks like at the time) in this moment.
This moment where my children are children.
Their moment.
I'm so grateful to be living in this moment with them.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids, raw by . 7 Comments. 
in pain.
much pain today.
the lyme is getting worse.
i'm counting down the days until my LLMD appointment next month.
next month.
too long.
i'm lucky to have gotten in that soon.
i can't sleep now. or nap. i'm lucky to get 5 hours. not helping my symptoms, either.
right now my feet, toes, hands, fingers, ankles, wrists are burning and hurting worse than before. my skin is burning, i have a full hot feeling in my head, my joints are popping (even my hips) as i walk, i'm struggling to type as i'm missing letters or typing the wrong ones. i'm waddling as though i were pregnant because of the pain in my feet and hips.
it all comes and goes.
some days are really bad, others not so bad.
my body has been taken hostage by this baceria.
i want it back.
need it back.
will get it back.
the waiting, while the disease progresses, is the scary part.
august 17th couldn't get here any faster, if it tried.
i long for the days when i'm healthy again so i can put what i've learned through this to paper, or to canvas, or something.
even with everything i've gone through in recent years, i know i'll learn the most about myself and life through this experience.
i will make something good come from this.
Filed under Deep, raw by . 9 Comments.
- I'm reading through the Bible, currently am in Exodus.
- I always root for the underdog.
- I'm not afraid to voice my opinion.
- I'm a wee bit sarcastic and silly.
- I like people but am a loner at heart.
- I've had a crush on Leo DiCaprio since, like, forever. (and yes i call him that and yes i will see his new movie, inception)
- My husband and I eloped to Branson, Missouri almost 8 years ago.
- I daydream a lot.
- I'm really good at Family Feud.
- Nature makes me so happy. It centers me, makes me calm and reminds me of the greatness of God.
- I miss the natural "high" of walking, running and hiking. I can't wait until I beat Lyme disease so I can do these things again.
- I watch the Golden Girls every night from 11pm to midnight.
- Falling asleep with the fan running is the only way I can catch some zzz's.
- I heart snail mail! I love sending it and receiving it. Cards, presents, pictures… all of it!
- Looking through really old black and white photo's of my family stirs my imagination.
- Favorite Movies: fried green tomatoes, now and then, steel magnolias, driving ms daisy, the notebook, wizard of oz and white christmas.
- I have a major love/hate relationship with my nose.
- Watching my children sleep makes me happy.
- I like being constantly stimulated…. rocking in our chair, chewing gum, playing with my hair…
- I only get baby fever when my 18 month old lets me cradle him like a newborn in the crook of my arm and rock him.
- Desperately I wish I had a baby girl but have come to the realization that most likely we won't have more children…I haven't closed the door on that option completely but currently don't see another child added to the family.
- I always say please and thank you, yes sir and no ma'am.
- I speak with a slight southern drawl. Not all my words, but occasionally it comes out and I have no idea where it comes from. My oldest son is the same way.
- I am keeping a dream journal where I jot down the previous nights dreams. I am a vivid dreamer and usually remember them the next morning.
- I'm compassionate, caring and concerned about people and their well being but do guard my heart. I wouldn't say I have walls up anymore but I do have a small fence.
((26. i updated my about page. it was getting old, dusty and stale.))
Filed under Talking by . 9 Comments.
Closing my eyes, I sink into our big brown couch, covered in a very old and comfortable quilt; my mind drifts off to my dream home.
I see it clearly, as though I’m seeing a picture of an actual home that will be ours one day but it just doesn’t know it yet. I imagine the home has a different family living in it right now. A family that enjoys it but doesn’t love it quite the way I will.
I breathe deeply, smiling wide, eyes scanning each part of the main living space as I take it all in.
Hardwood floors, old and maybe scratched up a bit, full of character. French doors leading out to the back deck that wraps around the back and side of the house. A big beautiful brick fireplace adorns the main wall of the living room, with just enough space on either side for our "things."
I picture a TV area on one side, resting perfectly inside one of those tasteful pieces of furniture that hold all your television equipment but that has doors to close it all up when it isn’t being used. I really dislike seeing the TV when it isn't being used.
Over on the right hand side of the fireplace is a simple L shaped desk that holds a computer and room for lots of children doing homework or putting together puzzles.
There’s a large L shaped couch, something totally comfortable because that is what our family is… comfortable and simple. Some fun flea-shop-find end table and coffee table and maybe an old worn in swivel chair. The seating would be set up so that the fireplace could be enjoyed, conversation could be had, books read, television watched, good times held year after year. No matter where you were in the living space, no matter what you were doing, you'd always be part of the action.
Behind the seating area would be the dining area, all open to the living and kitchen. My mind sees a large table that could easily seat 12, something warm and simple, but maybe with mismatched chairs to give it character. I can see laughter, smiles, days events shared. Off in the future I see myself older and gray-haired, smiling deeply as I entertain my grandchildren at that table… maybe arts and crafts, or play dough… maybe a Granddaughter playing tea party with me and her Grandpa.
The kitchen would have the modern conveniences that newer kitchens have but would be warm, simple and comfortable. There’d be a big beautiful window above the kitchen sink overlooking lush grass, trees and flowers that colorful birds and butterfly’s enjoyed daily.
While washing the dishes after a satisfying meal, I’d gaze towards the living area where all my sons and their father sit, laughing and playing their wii – or whatever was the “in” gaming system then.
The lighting would be dim and warm, the smell of spice candles filling the room, fireplace flickering, heart busting at the seams with love and appreciation.
What makes this home my dream home is the space it brings to my family. The space for television watching, computer working, homework doing, meal eating, desert preparing, book reading, fireplace gazing, family time comfort with me and all my boys in the same room… together, close, comfortable.
Safe.
Secure.
Happy.
Together.
Even the nights when we'd be doing our own thing, we’d still be close… near to one another, covered in the family love we share.
I know that no matter what home we live in we already share that same love and sweetness — that no makes the family…. But I do dream of this home where everything but the sleeping can happen in the same room. Together.
{and maybe some nights the sleeping would happen in that room, because I am that fun mom sometimes.}
Filed under Family by . 10 Comments.
It …
it has been nearly five years since the morning that shook all our worlds to the deepest core.
five years.
often it feels like 50 years, not 5.
then other times I remember so vividly what it felt like to see my brother walk into our home for dinner that it feels like just yesterday.
I'll wrestle with the emotions and reality of that day for the rest of my life, most likely.
How could I not?
Everyone was affected.
He and I mingled in the same core group of friends. We worked at the same place. My husband still works at that same place part time.
But I have no contact with anyone now.
It was so hard on them, to lose a friend at the hand of their other friend (my brother)… I don't blame them, but it hurt and still does.
Backs were turned. Eyes got wide, mouths whispered, lines were drawn, sides taken.
I sometimes think of them.
Wonder how they are, who they are now, if they have children and are happy.
When looking through pictures of the good times, I run into their smiling faces and miss what used to be.
wonder.
wish.
pray for them.
Recently I searched for a few of them on facebook and found their profile pictures. I smiled. Called my husband over to look at how they've changed, and not-so-secretly desired a re-connection with them.
But we weren't besties or anything. And they were much closer to the friend that lost his life because of my brother.
So I don't.
It hurts my heart that my brother's crime has been put on me and my family, but it has, by many people.
It may not be fair but it's a reality.
Yes, two people can grow up in the same family, with the same parents, and same life and be two such totally different people.
But…
it's most people's gut reaction, when they hear of it, to associate me with him.
such is life.
my life.
our lives.
I love my brother and always will.
He isn't who he used to be. The baby brother I worked hard to protect and love and take care of. The one that I laughed with and played with all my young life. But he is still my brother, no matter what.
I'm practically all he has now.
It's a burden but I carry it.
…because I have to… because most of the time I want to.
But lest anyone question my heart, it's filled to the brim with compassion and love for everyone else involved in this crime… every. single. one.
Maybe—-
one day
they'll reach out to me and say hello…
maybe they wonder about me and my family from time to time.
And if they do, I hope the memories don't bring them sorrow but instead bring a smile to their face.
though, that might be too much to ask.
Filed under Deep, Family, raw by . 6 Comments.
