She lost her little baby today.
Her heart is now flying towards the sky, ripped away far too soon.
I never understand the death of a baby, or child. I never understand why a beautiful baby must be ripped from its Mother's warm womb like this.
It isn't for me to understand.
I just pray. And hurt like hell for her and the family.
And her friends that are so far from her, who long to be so close, I ache for everyone right now.
Please go offer your prayers and warm words.
Filed under Blog Stuff, Deep by . 5 Comments. 
I just posted a series of my favorite photo's of last year. You can find them here, and here, and here, and here. But our sweet {adorably pregnant} Beth is doing a year end photo theme for You Capture. So, of course I had to jump in on the fun. After all, I took thousands of photo's last year!
These are very random – but are some of my most favorite photo's of the year. {Next to my kids anyway!}
{I worked hard to capture that little "rain drop" on the flowers petal and it just made my heart skip when I saw the finished product.}
{One of my first pictures with the DLSR was this one of my middle sons little foot in the sand. Still love it!}
{I just love the colors and textures and abstractness of this shot.}
{My baby holding onto the car seat. Something was so romantic and magical about this to me.}
{My most recent photo. It got the most 'praise' out of every other photo I've taken and published. I do love it. How soft and lovely. The colors and all. Though not my favorite, it is right up in there!}
Check out more 'you capture' participants.
Filed under photography by . 24 Comments.
I interrupt this regularly scheduled post day to announce some really rad give-away’s you should know about and I should win 
::::::::
Ego Carrier {I've been day dreaming about one for eons.}
Safety First Convertible Car Seat {Just in time for the new baby moving into a bigger car seat and out of his infant seat. :sniff sniff}
Robeez Boots {how adorable would any of our children look in these super comfy boots?}
Teva Boots {my feet need these.}
Plantronics Ear Phone {perfect timing for my new business.}
Pampered Chef Goodies {even on the diet I could still use these goodies. I make a mean egg muffin!}
Dream Dinners {love the concept}
Thermoworks Thermopen {my husband doesn't need such tools… he is a pro, but I'm no pro!}
And the genius behind all these giveaways {and more that I didn't list!} is of course Stephanie of Metropolitan Mama.
Follow her on twitter @stephsday
Check up on her at Facebook
Follow her blog and join her newsletter at MetropolitanMama.net.
{because, well, she rocks. and is the sweetest, most lovely and uber talented gal I know.}
Filed under Blog Stuff by . 5 Comments.
for this…
and this…
oh, yes, and this…
Instead I have a blizzard! Still. And sub-zero temperatures.
Filed under Show-Me-State Fun, Talking by . 13 Comments.
While visiting one of my favorite blogs, written by one of my favorite people, I stumbled upon her Babywearing in NYC video. First, if you don't know Leigh and her talented/beautiful family, you totally should go meet her now. Obviously quite beautiful, it runs very deep with her. She is interesting and uber talented. And a super cool Mom, I might add.
But I digress.
She, her husband and two little boys put together a very lovely video {adore the song!} of Leigh {and cutie pie baby} babywearing and breastfeeding in NYC.
Oh if I didn't find scenes of NYC magical before, there's no way I could watch this and not be enchanted now. The chill in the air, you can feel through the computer screen. The sounds of NYC you can hear even though they aren't on the video. And that sweet baby breastfeeding while being held snuggly in the sling.
It's all so magical and beautiful and tugs on the heart strings.
Haven't seen it? Watch and then finish reading my post.
Watching the video makes me long for the days long ago that I breastfed my babies. Even though the experiences were never what I had hoped and ended much too quickly for either of us.
Nonetheless, I still long for them again. I long for the experience I always hoped for, and tried so damn hard for with this last baby.
Between tongue tied babies and thrush and babies who'd nurse forever and still be hungry and the thrush… did I mention the horribly painful thrush that never let up?
I'm especially sad about this last time. I was 100% determined, committed and loving the experience. Oh, it was so wonderful and magical. Sure, the same problems persisted but I didn't care, I was going to feed this baby for months, or longer. And then the thrush revisited me again…
Breastfeeding didn't last.
And sadly, it was the shortest of all three.
The pain was the most intense … and likely, shocking to many, I just got it mostly under control. Its been nearly a full year since I stopped.
{If you don't know about my Candida infection, read about it here. That is what has caused my painful thrush.}
I still see women breastfeeding and cringe, wishing that were me and the baby. I see pictures and videos and it hurts my heart. I feel regret and a sense of being cheated by my own body. And I now know how desperately important it is for baby's health to breastfeed.
And so I feel such stinging sadness.
I wish I could be given another chance. I wish I could go back, but I can't.
With my two older boys I never took pictures of them nursing. I am sad by that. I was so in love with breastfeeding our baby this time. So deeply in love with him and keeping this amazing bond for us both, that I took a few pictures early on. I now wish I would have taken more, but I'm oh-so-thankful I took what I did.
This time around I knew how special it was. I knew what a bond it was. I felt it deeply. And it hurt all that much more when I had to let it go.
I'm slowly getting past the hurt and upset of it. But, if not given the chance to experience it the way I know I can if only my body would cooperate, I fear I'll always live with the regret that it didn't work out the way I had wanted so badly. Or deserved so much. We all do. As do our babies.
So, I'll hold onto these pictures of mine as some of my post prized possessions of my time Mothering & look back on them with bittersweet tears.
Filed under Candida, Deep, Family, Kids by . 5 Comments.
He's with me a lot now. 12 months, but more like a newborn.
When I work, he is on my lap. Today, while listening to Jason Aldean on YouTube, he sat on my lap as I typed. I rocked him back and forth, caught up in my tasks. I looked down and noticed him drifting to sleep.
He is so warm. And squishy. And chubby. And lovely.
He needs to be near me – and I need him near me too.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids by . 7 Comments.
The house is quiet.
Children are sleeping.
Dogs are sleeping.
Husband isn't home from work yet.
Just the sound of the keys being pushed in to create this blog post.
Just me and my thoughts.
And my thoughts drift to the sleeping children that fill my house. I think about how lucky I am. How blessed I am. And how much I love my children. A lot. There are more beautiful moments, than not so beautiful moments. And I've regained a level of peace and patience I've not held in my body for a long time.
This peace and patience allows me to fully appreciate all I have, being a Mother. And truth be told, when lost in this peaceful reflective silence, I could have 20 more children. Or, at least one more.
This isn't a declaration that we'll have more children. I don't live in a fairy tale land. My husband works two jobs, I work a job from home and own a business. We pay the bills only by the grace of God. But, if money were not an issue, my husband and I both have said, in the past, we'd like one more.
There's nothing like being surrounded by the love of your children. The laughter, the faces, the smiles, the hugs, the voices, the easy and beautiful moments…the not so easy moments…
I've never felt more alive and needed than I do as a Mother.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids, Marriage by . 9 Comments.
I'm ringing in the New Year 20 pounds lighter and down one jean size.
And I have to say, this feels much better than any chocolate cake or pizza ever could.
For 
the millionth time I started on my Anti-Candida diet on December 1st, 2009. But this time was different. This time I knew it would be a lifelong commitment. I was in it for the long haul. It felt like when I stopped smoking for the final time. All the attempts leading up to that final puff were well intentioned, but I pretty much knew I didn't have everything it took to stop.
Though I've been sick with many, many health problems due to the yeast in my system, I couldn't maintain the willpower it takes to keep on the diet. You see, it requires you only eat meat and vegetables for a few to several months. You have to literally starve the overgrowth of Candida with your diet. No sugar, no carbs, no dairy, no wheat… no fruit or nuts!
So you can see why it's so danged difficult to do!
But this time was different. It is different. And this time I know how to transition out of this first stage of the diet and into my lifelong healthy diet. I'll talk more about that on my new healthy eating tips blog. {launching soon!}
The whole family is getting healthy and well and vibrant right a long with me. Okay, not the whole family. My husband isn't interested in gi
ving up his junk food…I'll work on breaking him in slowly. But me and the kids are full force into it. And we're all feeling and looking so much better.
But back to the weight loss.
HOLLA!
There are so few pleasures when you're starting into the diet. You're sick because of the toxins dying off. You're tired, achy, retracing through symptoms and sometimes it takes months to shed the bothersome symptoms that put you on the diet in the first place. It takes time to heal the body. But the cool thing is that your body will heal if you give it time.
So since there are so few pleasures, seeing the results of weight melting off is even more exhilarating than it might normally be. I don't get to eat donuts and pizza, or even fruit and nuts, but I do get to fit into my size 10 jeans very comfortably. I do see a stomach with no bloating and hair that has thickened up and is shinier than normal.
Ringing in the New Year without junk food, or drinks, might not sound fun to most…but to me, being healthy and thinner is just what I wanted and needed.
I'd like to drop another 10-15 pounds and two more pant sizes when all is said and done. But what is always most important is my health and not my weight. Being able to run – my goal this year – is what matters most to me. Being so physically well and healthy and fit that I could run – or even jog – will make me the happiest… not necessarily what the scale says to me.
But right now, I do love the scale!
{Jeans I'm aiming to get into next… size 8.}
I hope this New Year is a healthy one for you, too!
Filed under Candida, Family, healthy eating by . 14 Comments.
I was almost a New Year baby.
I bet I'll end up having a few birthday party's that run into New Year's Eve party's. Party's that keep my Mama up, pacing back and forth, watching the clock and waiting for me to meet curfew.
For now, I'm just a super cute baby who wants to wish you all a very happy, healthy and sweet 2010.
And just because I'm that cute, here are a few more pictures :–)
Mama says, even when I'm sad I'm still soooo cute.
Have a safe New Year's Eve celebration, and a very happy New Year!
Filed under Blog Stuff by . 7 Comments.
BooBoo the Monkey — Brownie the Bear
My husband's stuffed monkey from childhood has seen better days. That poor monkey has been ripped and likely chewed on and sucked on and bitten. He also got attacked by one of our dogs…poor thing.
And my bear, from when I was a wee little one, {one years old} has held up pretty well, considering. He hung out with me all through my babyhood, childhood and has made it through my adulthood.
…and now they're both passed along to the littlest little guy in our family to slobber on and love on and tear up.
It's almost unreal to believe that these two little stuffed animals were once held by the tiny hands that now hold our children's tiny hands.
It's almost unbelievable to me that we're both in our 30's, because in so many ways I feel like just yesterday I was the kid. I was the one playing with Brownie.
Not only are we decades away from our childhood now… we're also blowing through our childrens young childhood lives!
Only yesterday it feels like my oldest was the baby. He was the one playing with these two old stuffed animals. And now he's in school, learning, growing, moving at rapid speed towards adulthood.
For now, I hold onto my little guy, holding onto his two new friends.
