It had been over a week since anyone had heard from my brother. This is unusual, something in my spirit told me something had happened. I began worrying that he'd been assaulted or was sick or maybe was in solitary again.
It took some clever prodding on the part of my family to find out that he was locked down in solitary confinement, this time for a year.
This time he had been the one doing the assaulting.
The prison now forces the anti psychotic medicine for his schizophrenia into his blood stream. To which I say, about time. He is rail thin again, which happens when he isn't taking his medication, is visibly not well.
His life has been nothing but a roller coaster, which goes along these ups and downs when he's off and on his medication. When he is on the medication it's like he's my 'old' brother again. Off, well, you can imagine — since he's in prison then we all know what he is capable of when he isn't being medicated.
My heart breaks by this heavy burden of being this man's sister.
It breaks for him. This life isn't what he was meant to have. And the life taken because of him should still be here enjoying every bit of the life he had and could have had.
I write him, send pictures, pray and care — but somehow it doesn't feel like enough.
I'm living.
I have three great kids that I get to love each day. I have a wonderful husband to lean on. I have my freedom, my mental health…
He's got none of that.
Sure, this isn't a socially acceptable burden I carry.
Most people will read my posts about my brother and click out wondering why I even care. They'll say, "he's where he belongs. he got what he deserves. the fact that he's even allowed letters and pictures and visits is far more than he deserves."
Rarely will anyone really understand my burden.
But those who put themselves 'out there' to love me through this part of my life eases the burden enough so that I can breathe.
Once upon a time I laughed with my little brother. Once upon a time we were able to pop over and see each other whenever we'd like.
Once upon a time, I was more blessed than I realized at the time.
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This week has been a little unnerving.
I've started my antibiotic treatment for the Lyme disease that has been playing house in my body for so long.
It aint easy.
When killing off this bacteria you often experience a worsening of your symptoms before you get better. It's from the bacteria that is being killed and the toxins it's leaving behind.
As you can possibly imagine that isn't fun or easy and, at times, has even become scary.
But I hang on for the ride.
At least now I experience much needed hope.
I now know why the pain and fatigue have been so present in my body for so long, and how to begin getting rid of it all, getting back to me once again.
I took a picture of the corn field next door.
I edited it to my eyes delight.
It brought me some pleasure, I hope it does the same for you.
I thank God for giving me an appreciative eye for His beauty. Not only does it draw me closer to Him, but it also fills my being with much pleasure…much, much.
{how could i not look at nature and think of Him and thank Him for it every single day?}
Today I spent far too much time in front of the television taking it easy.
Really, I must admit, I wasn't as much taking it easy as I was doing my best to make it through the symptoms that slammed my body after the antibiotic this morning.
That tiny white pill packs a powerful punch.
We watched a lot of the Billy the Exterminator marathon on A&E today.
The boys were intrigued by the wild animals and why the Billy Man was saving everything except the wasps.
I walked past my two older boys room tonight and caught a glimpse of them in the same bed, watching tonight's new episode of Billy the Exterminator.
Made my cheeks hurt from grinning.
And then, I joined them.
Sweet ending to another day.
Another day closer to my full recovery.
Another day further away from the hell of not knowing what, why, when, how, if…
Tonight.
Tonight I rest in the Lord's arms, for I need His comforting embrace.
That warm, sweet, tender embrace I've come to know and need and love so much.
A love so tender… an embrace equally so.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids, Show-Me-State Fun, Talking, photography by . 10 Comments.
a girl and her boys
a boy and his silly expressions
another boy jumping behind the camera for his turn
a girl looking at life through the lens
getting behind the lens when the mood calls for it
happy…
Filed under Family, Kids, Talking, photography by . 8 Comments.
sleeping beauty makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me smile again.
he's a dash{ing} little boy, who laughs at his Mama, runs to her when he needs a snuggle, and loves to annoy his brothers already.
special since the day he was conceived, he made his personality known even while growing inside my womb, such a gentle and lovely soul.
he is the baby, and knows it.
spoiled? maybe, a little.
loved immensely? yes.
he is the baby, though i think he'd be a wonderful big brother to a baby sister.
{a mother can dream}
watching him drift to sleep, whether in my bed or in his own, is still one of my most favorite parts of motherhood.
i love him deeply.
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A cute little silver elephant necklace.
A baby {with a really rad name}, playing around with Daddy's hat.
Playing 'hide the thimble' with my boys, with the thimbles that me, my brother and my Granny played with as life time ago.
Making silly faces with my children.
Old family photo's.
My three children playing nicely together, looking at a 'buggie' on the window.
{Happiness} is so simple.
What does your uncomplicated happy look like?
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids, photography by . 9 Comments.
