I visited him today.
His family had been to see him recently, as the grave site was covered in valentine's decor.
The 'Dad' spelled out in pink and red and white flowers tugged on my already fragile emotions.
His face smiles back at me on the beautiful grave stone.
He had an incredible smile. Something I remember from the time I knew him many years ago. The kind of smile that made you smile.
I talked to him. I shared my heart. And my hopes. And my sorrow. And my wishes for what could have been different that night.
I feel a different kind of feeling when I visit him now.
Something in between peace and closure.
I'll always feel deep pain for his death. I'll live with the reality that he is gone because of my brother, forever.
But I'm beginning to heal. I'm starting to feel that he is happy where he is. He forgives my brother. And appreciates my heart for his family and their pain and loss.
I felt slightly comforted visiting him this time.
I feel it's a testimate to who he was is. I remember him as always smiling and happy and light hearted and kind. I'm sure he's all those things and many more now.
And I know that those eyes and that smile will meet me in Heaven one day and none of this will matter anymore.
Until then, I think of him often and pray for his son.
Filed under Deep, raw by . 19 Comments. 
Like a big fuzzy bear, waking up from his long winter's slumber, we crawled out of our hibernation to greet the cool splash of sunshine on our faces.
Almost feeling like aliens who had never seen the sun before, we dizzily played on the cool playground equipment, and got reacquainted with its charm.
Our feet stomped the damp ground, our hands clutched the cold slide railing and our noses grew a pink hue.
No matter.
We may have been chilly. It may not have been perfect. The sun might have been colder than we'd ideally like…
…but…We were alive and in the moment and present and breathing in the freshness of a nice February day.
And I was right there along side of these great kids I'm entrusted to raise. Taking their picture, running and playing. Feeling the same cool sun on my face, the same breeze in my hair and the same playground at my feet.
There's something extra special about a winter's day at the playground. Something magical happens when your feet touch the wood chips for the first time in a long while.
Here's to cool sun and damp wood chips.
And to being present and engaged.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids, Show-Me-State Fun by . 11 Comments.
There's no doubt about it, he is adored.
Adored by his Daddy. His Mama. His brothers. His Grandparents.
Strangers at the store, at the library and anywhere else we go.
From the top of his head, to the tips of his toes he is adored.
And don'tcha know, he knows it!
Filed under Family, Kids by . 6 Comments.
Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most
.
.
Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside
.
.
Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you
.
.
Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time
.
.
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t
.
.
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you
.
.
When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this
.
.
Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life
.
.
Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you
######
Lyrics by Brandon Heath – Love Never Fails.
Oh how utterly important I am to the fabric of this family of mine.
So much so, that when I'm sick the whole family is affected. Funny how it took something like this to shine a spotlight on just how needed I am. And how I have a direct part to play in how the family functions, runs, performs.
I've had days where I was so fatigued and weak I could hardly walk from one room to the other without getting winded. I had one good day last week and I took advantage of it by taking my oldest out for donuts. I'm painfully aware of how important it is to cease a good day now.
Still receiving B12 shots and taking a Magnesium supplement, we got more blood work in that shows something suspicious. Because of the results, and the type of blood test, my doctor is sending me out to a rheumatologist for further testing.
In the meantime, I guard my words and my attitude. God created everything by speaking it into existence. Jesus healed people by speaking to their bodies. Words are powerful… they can be a positive force or a negative force. Even when I feel just terrible, I try and chase those thoughts out of my head before they enter my mouth.
Oh and see that little button right there on the side of this page? —->
The one that talks about following my running journey this year? Yeah, I'm keeping it there. It haunts me sometimes, thinking of how excited I was about that goal this year and how now I can hardly walk without becoming exhausted — but I am not giving up on that just yet.
Pushing my body since 2008, when I first began feeling sick, I know what it is capable of. And I know that someone will get to the bottom of things, or these shots will begin melting the pain and fatigue away, and I'll be back to who I was before all of this.
Until then, I'm taking it day by day and appreciating my husband even more than before.
Filed under Deep, Family, Marriage, Talking by . 8 Comments.
I'm over here today talking about love.
While you're there, say a quick congrats to Madeline… she is a brand new married woman, as of yesterday!
Filed under Blog Stuff, Marriage by . Comment.
Lets get something light and fluffy going on around here, shall we?
I'm shedding myself of the dark and allowing more of the light to shine through.
And what better way to step into the freshness of light than to do some 'window' shopping?
I'm digging this hair color. Though not necessarily for me, I think it's perfect for Spring!
I'd totally work this cut if my face could rock da bangs like that!
I like these Old Navy jeans, though I don't know how they'd make my body look.
And would wear this Old Navy shirt with them.
These etsy shop shoes would be adorable with the ensemble above, I think.
And because I'm a simple kind of gal, I'd wear something like this lovely 'The Vintage Pearl' necklace below. I'm sure I'd include my little sweetie's names on it.
Yeah, this 'window' shopping stuff I could get used to.
#####
The links are not sponsored, I didn't get anything to link to them. I just thought I'd be nice to my readers and link up to these goodies, in case you wanted to window shop too!
Filed under Fashion, Talking by . 11 Comments.
I
t's so annoying that I'm 31 and still straddling the fence of joy and sadness thanks to some childhood demons of mine.
I remember growing up and thinking that when you become an adult everything should just be happy and anything from your childhood should just be "fixed" And if it isn't fixed then that is your fault, grow up and get on with your life.
The problem comes when you haven't dealt with whatever is haunting you. When you push it "under the rug" and expect it to stay there.
In
evitably, though, the rug will be pulled out from under you from time to time and that 'ugly' from your childhood comes out.
And then what? How do you deal? What do you do? Do you self-destruct? Do you sweep it back? Do you melt down and then get back on with life the next day?
I sometimes fight the impulses to self-destruct. There's a part of me that could get really dark, if I let it.
I d
on't. I don't because I have a family that is now relying on me to give them a safe and happy childhood. And holy crap, is that not the biggest – and most frightening – task of my entire life, or what? It scares me when I really swim around in that knowledge.
I'm responsible for whether my children will grow up and become happy, well rounded adults… or whether they grow up repeating my same mistakes, or turn into adults that have childhood issues.
I never looked at Parenthood in this way before I had children. Not really. How could I? Until you're a parent there's no way you ca
n honestly know what it'll be like, or how you'll feel about it all.
I can only pray, and strive, and work hard to make sure I am the best I can be. Better than I am now. Every day, I need to be better than I was the day before.
And somehow, in between making sure I'm the best Mom I can be for my children, and the best wife I can be for my husband; I need to deal with my demons and chase them out of my life.
.
'cause, really, how can I be the best for everyone else when I'm not the best for me?
Maybe one day we'll have enough money to chuck it at a therapist when I need to unload all this heaviness. Until then, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing for {what seems like} a lifetime — taking it day by day.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids, raw by . 13 Comments.
I'm sorry for the days I yelled one too many times.
And for the days that started off on the wrong foot because I was sick and exhausted.
I'm truly sorry that there haven't been more fairy tales, and make believe games and visits to the park in recent months.
I can only hope I'll be able to make it all up to you from this point forward…and actively work on being the Mom I used to be before I got "sick".
I remember a conversation I had with my oldest son a month or more ago. I asked his forgiveness for a bad Mommy day. He said he forgave me. In fact, he said…
"I'll always forgive you."
It melted me and broke me at the same time.
I can only hope I can forgive myself.
#####
I got my blood work back. I'm deficient in b12 and magnesium. I suspected the magnesium was playing a small role, but didn't suspect b12. I looked into it and realize how very serious this deficiency can be, and that I am exhibiting many of the classic/serious signs.
I'm on a high dose supplement right now, but if I don't see an improvement within a few days, I'll be asking for the b12 shots. I'm left to wonder why it took so long (since 2008) to get this diagnosis, when it doesn't appear to be that difficult to diagnose.
I move forward, hopeful that I can reverse many of the symptoms I've been dealing with…anxious and hopeful.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids by . 16 Comments.
Close your eye
s my dear little ones, and let the dreaming fairy's whisk you away to a magical land.
A land where you'll float on a fluffy white cloud and beautifully colored singing birds will drop brightly colored candies into your open hands.
And as quickly as you landed on that cloud in that land, you'll be carried away to a new place just as fantastical.
Maybe now you're a pirate caught up in a heated sword fight where you always win. Or maybe you're a super hero flying through the sky saving everyone from their uncertain fate. No matter the details, the truth will remain that most of the time you'll be the hero and you'll enjoy your dreams.
But, my darlings, should your dreams take a turn for the frightening, please don't fret… always remember that as soon as you were dropped into that scary dream you'll be hurried off into a new one very soon… a new place, a new land and a new time. And should it scare you so much that you awake, my arms are always waiting for you to fill them with your fear.
Sweet ones, embrace your nightly fairy tales and always enjoy the time where your imagination makes its own reality in your dreams.
I still do.
Filed under Deep, Family, Kids by . 2 Comments.
