Jack was my first baby with my husband. I remember when we drove the long highway ride to pick him out. We arrived to a small home, a bit dingy, loaded with these adorable furry little puppies bounding all over the living room. Oh how adorable they were and the puppy breath, oh the puppy breath.
10 years later and the breath is pretty fowl, he doesn't bound as easily, but he's still a furr ball of love. 10. Hard to believe 10 years has passed. He's now an old man, we're being reminded of that with this huge tumor growing on his chest. The vet said if it's cancer the treatment would be expensive and likely wouldn't be effective because of where it is and his age. They worry it has moved into his lungs, if it's cancer.
The reality of this new season we've moving into with him has slammed me in the face, and it is sad. I love him more than any pet we've had. Such a sweet little guy he is, always loving and forever my hiking buddy. No matter what it is, or isn't, the fact is he's old draws me quickly into the reality that now is the time to really appreciate and spoil him.
Can do!
Today my husband is home from work. Actually four days of vacation this week, so we're all psyched to have him home. The mood is light, the children are content, video games and wrestling on the agenda.
The weather is perfect, warm but not melt-your-skin-hot like recent days. Quite possibly the dog days of summer are drawing to a close. Nice white socks, eh? Yep, those are my husbands and I'm a total nerd, this is true.
He starts first grade tomorrow. Not sure I'm ready. How can I say that when this has been such a long summer? Oh I don't know, because I love him so much and will miss his daily presence. Though I must admit, he's been awfully teenagerish lately and the two younger boys get along so well… I'm thinking the coming weeks will grow quieter and far more peaceful — I'll still miss him, though.
He's quite possibly the sweetest boy on the face of the earth.
I'm feeling good today. Today 'tis a better day. The cortisol pills I'm sucking down like candy are filling me up with energy, so much so that I don't even mind the aches and pains of the Lyme today.
I made my lunch today and cut the crust off the bread. Shhhh, that is my little secret. I'm a 32 year old woman (okay, not yet but in a couple months, so scratch that, I'm a 31 year old woman) and still cut the crust off the bread. I don't feel too silly since the bread is Ezekiel and totally healthy, the crust isn't the only healthy part.
Hey, did I tell you I love pickles? And drinking the juice? Yeah, totally do. The pickles are gone but the jar of juice remains in the fridge for later drinking!
How's your day today?
(blessed I hope!)
{Oh, one last thing, I'm over here again today.}
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Scene: Early evening, almost bedtime, I get the hair-brained idea to attempt a picture with me and my boys. I'm giving my christian blog a face lift and would like to add new pictures to the site. I thought, hey, wouldn't a picture with me and my kids be a wonderful addition to the blog?
First try:
My teenager 6 year old was having none of it. After several tries in this position, we moved onto the next bright idea. Even though this was my favorite look, he won.
Second try:
Maybe if we were running/walking toward the camera the children would enjoy that more and it might look natural and neat. Yes, that worked for them but then I realized how much I don't like me walking in pictures. At all. notatall.
Third try:
So maybe walking away would be better, at least then all of my jiggling self will be away from the camera. Yes, that looks nice but not sure a dirty foot is appropriate for my blog. Okay, onto the next idea.
Fourth try:
There was pouting, throwing of fits, (me!), wrangling of a baby who wanted none of this, begging and bribing, and further instructing of my picture-taker husband we managed to eek this one out. Not sure how I feel about the fat rolls or the saggy woman parts. No, that isn't true, I know how I feel about those… blech!
It isn't ideal. I'm a complete perfectionist, when I see a picture in my minds eye and it doesn't show up that way in reality, it tends to drive me a little batty. Oh okay, a lot batty. Totally friggin' crazed, really.
These are wonderful family pictures I'll print and use for personal enjoyment but they aren't right for the blog. And that is okay. I didn't get what I set out to achieve with this but I got something to document this moment in time and I'll look back at these 20 years down the road and wish I was "as thin and beautiful as I was back then" and think "I would give anything to go back to that day and be in the moment with my small little babies".
I'm over here sharing a sweet story about my 3 year old –I'm closing comments here in hopes you'll join me over here :–) Oh okay, I won't do that to you. I dislike it when bloggers do that, so I won't do it to you. But still, come over and read about my sweetness little boy, pretty please! (and say hi!)
End Scene
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I wore a pretty dress today, with no place to go, and I liked it.
After snapping this picture I noticed the little toy car on the floor, which made the picture perfect, as this is my life and what makes me who I am.
Mother.
I spent the evening transferring old video of my children when they were babies and toddlers. Funny how I forget about their little tiny voices and the cute things they've done and said over the years.
Thank God for video!
The happy times made me crave another baby… and my health. Hearing my voice behind the camera, from years gone by, shows just how much this Lyme disease has changed me. I look forward to being changed back.
I'm in the middle of a flare up of my symptoms, but it won't get me down, not too far down.
Lifetime movies, butterfinger ice cream, pretty dress, and a break in the suffocating heat are all things to enjoy and be grateful for today.
What are you grateful for today?
{another shot of the corn field that I love so much.}
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Long, soft, smelling good hair.
Soft, comfortable, curvy body.
Open mouthed smile, arms wide open.
Joy tangible.
Mother I am, Mother for them.
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There's been love.
And joy.
And summer time childhoodness.
And watching from the safety of a dry, cool kitchen.
And introspection, healing, questioning, loving, holding, kissing, breathing, dreaming, thinking, planning…
living.
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