This week has been a little unnerving.

I've started my antibiotic treatment for the Lyme disease that has been playing house in my body for so long.

It aint easy.

When killing off this bacteria you often experience a worsening of your symptoms before you get better. It's from the bacteria that is being killed and the toxins it's leaving behind.

As you can possibly imagine that isn't fun or easy and, at times, has even become scary.

But I hang on for the ride.

At least now I experience much needed hope.

I now know why the pain and fatigue have been so present in my body for so long, and how to begin getting rid of it all, getting back to me once again.

I took a picture of the corn field next door.

I edited it to my eyes delight.

It brought me some pleasure, I hope it does the same for you.

I thank God for giving me an appreciative eye for His beauty. Not only does it draw me closer to Him, but it also fills my being with much pleasure…much, much.

{how could i not look at nature and think of Him and thank Him for it every single day?}

Today I spent far too much time in front of the television taking it easy.

Really, I must admit, I wasn't as much taking it easy as I was doing my best to make it through the symptoms that slammed my body after the antibiotic this morning.

That tiny white pill packs a powerful punch.

We watched a lot of the Billy the Exterminator marathon on A&E today.

The boys were intrigued by the wild animals and why the Billy Man was saving everything except the wasps.

I walked past my two older boys room tonight and caught a glimpse of them in the same bed, watching tonight's new episode of Billy the Exterminator.

Made my cheeks hurt from grinning.

And then, I joined them.

Sweet ending to another day.

Another day closer to my full recovery.

Another day further away from the hell of not knowing what, why, when, how, if…

Tonight.

Tonight I rest in the Lord's arms, for I need His comforting embrace.

That warm, sweet, tender embrace I've come to know and need and love so much.

A love so tender… an embrace equally so.

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a girl and her boys

a boy and his silly expressions

another boy jumping behind the camera for his turn

a girl looking at life through the lens

getting behind the lens when the mood calls for it

happy…

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((26. i updated my about page. it was getting old, dusty and stale.))

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Thinking about this post, and the responses to it, I began searching my soul even more for what true beauty is. What *I* think beauty is.

What makes a woman beautiful and appealing?

• Wisdom

• Compassion

• Joy

• Selflessness

• Smarts

• The ability to laugh at herself

• A woman who can be, not only comfortable in her own skin, but own it and love it.

And gray hair.

I've got a few.

Do you?

I look at those hairs as a badge of my growth and maturity in life.

And right now, at this stage in my life, I'm not covering them up… nor do I want to. I actually find them quite beautiful and like to search them out in the mirror.

Gray hair – women who "rock" their grays – that is beauty to me.

Woman with gray hair always appear authentic and confident.

And those two qualities are beauty in my eyes.

{two ladies from my Mom's church}

{Paula Dean}

{Emmy Lou Harris}

In the coming days I'll be sharing more about my definition of {real} beauty.

What is yours?

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The weather broke.

I saw robins today.

Greeted neighbors with a smile and friendly word about the beautiful weather.

Everyone seems so happy.

My dog walked with me. 10 years old and still going strong.

Geese flooded the little pond at the end of the neighborhood – their honks filled my ears and beckoned Jack to chase them.

It is all so so good.

But the best?

I'm physically able to get out and walk/jog again.

My body is still under an attack but it's winning the battle.

And the weather changing over can only help.

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I was happy to see Jessica finally come out and accept an interview, talk about the "mom jean" controversy and some other things.

I blogged about her "mom jean" bashing and still believe that, although the jeans looked hideous, she didn't look overweight.

{not that being overweight should be the crime it has become.}

She also showed clips from her upcoming series {i plan to watch} about beauty around the world.

And after Lisa Ling's clip showing little {beautiful!} Chinese girls preferring the blond haired, blue eyed, big breasted Barbies to Chinese dolls it got me thinking about me.

I find Asian women to be insanely beautiful. Their long, thick jet black hair and beautiful almond shaped eyes and that skin… what isn't to love? They are exotic, to say the least, and perfect little noses. I've always found them so beautiful and if I could adopt a girl I would choose an Asian girl.

Yet many of them want to look like "western" women.

I thought about myself as a teen… even now, really. About how much I hated my looks. I hated my black hair, my white skin, my big nose.

It made me feel bad about myself when all these totally smoking hot, incredibly beautiful {by most people's standards} girls I worked with would get all the attention and looks from the boys.

I was totally insecure with my looks.

I didn't, and still don't, have the typical/standard good looks that some women have.

I've always been told my look is "different" and "unique".

And you know what I'd hear when people would say that?

ugly.

you.

are.

ugly.

…but I feel bad about telling you the truth, so I'll tell you something so that I don't have to be honest.

So I went from this…

To this…

Wanna know what?

guys loved it!

girls loved it.

everyone thought the "transformation" was great.

I turned heads. I turned hearts.

My eyes were happy when I'd look in the mirror.

I tanned a lot – too much.

I fried my hair with color and styling – but darned if I didn't look good.

And I felt good about myself.

Then I had kids.

I stopped fake baking.

I stopped coloring my hair.

My body never looked the same again.

And I turned back into that "before" picture, with long black hair – white skin – that just felt average.

But something happened with time and aging and maturity.

I grew into myself a little.

I began to see the beauty of my natural self.

There are things I'd change if I could.

My nose for one.

Still hate it. HATE it.

{don't lie and say my nose isn't big.  i know it is. }

But now… now I look at my high cheek bones and see my Indian heritage.

I look at my dark, black hair and see my Great- Grandmother.

I look at my freckled {from the fake baking}, damaged skin and wish like heck that I wouldn't have sunned it as much as I did. I look back on my old pictures and now see how beautiful my creamy, white skin was. And I look at the skin I have now and wouldn't dream of baking it in the sun again.

I'm not totally there yet. Are we ever? Do we ever fully see the beauty of ourselves?

Yet, I have come a long way.

And now… now I look at pictures from my youth and recognized how pretty I really was.

Most importantly, I look at current pictures and accept that I have unique beauty — that "unique" doesn't mean "ugly".

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{his pizza covered face got wiped approx. one full hour after dinner}

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{most nights you'll hear, "if you get up one more time i'm turning your ____ (tv, radio, lights) off." only i usually don't make good on my threats until about the 4th or 5th time.}

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{i get more pictures i cant use than pictures i can.}

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{you'll catch me watching t.v. more than i'd like to admit…}

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(he will be in the top 3…mark my words.)

{…when i should be spending more of my time reading these}

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{random thought: i'm not an ellen on AI fan. though i am typically an ellen fan.}

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{i don't mind washing and drying but i loathe folding!}

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{this is me tonight. i've got zits (!), no makeup and ugly PJs but you'd never know it by that extreme light. extreme lighting is my friend.}

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{my life in a teeny, tiny nutshell.}

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my  life in action below.

there's a lot of whining, volume and people in 'jammies'.

pretty typical of our life.

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