I visited him today.
His family had been to see him recently, as the grave site was covered in valentine's decor.
The 'Dad' spelled out in pink and red and white flowers tugged on my already fragile emotions.
Filed under Deep, raw by . 18 Comments. 
I
t's so annoying that I'm 31 and still straddling the fence of joy and sadness thanks to some childhood demons of mine.
I remember growing up and thinking that when you become an adult everything should just be happy and anything from your childhood should just be "fixed" And if it isn't fixed then that is your fault, grow up and get on with your life.
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The funniest moments will flash a wave of grief over my heart like the mighty ocean tossing and turning during a hurricane.
I can be watching television, or driving, or listening to the radio, or simply sitting on my porch and the littlest thing will wash over a feeling of grief I've thought had long since been buried.
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If you were to ask me what I remember most about my teen years, I'd tell you I remember how desperately alone I felt. How deeply I needed to be loved by a boy. How I'd sit in my bedroom at night, with the lights off, staring out the window at the stars and would pray to God {often crying} that he'd send me someone that would love me forever.
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I dream of little girls, dressed in pink and purple and yellow.
I dream of little girls with soft black hair, dark brown eyes and round little face.
I dream of little girls and their tea parties and dress up and doll playing.
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I sit blankly staring at the computer screen. Half of me feels nothing, while the other half feels a familiar feeling. This feeling that washes over my soul each Christmas season with dread and darkness. With the hustle and bustle of busy people around me happily shopping for their loved ones, I sit still. I watch it all.
More on They Say Time Eases Pain. They Are Wrong. They've Never Lived This Pain.
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Tonight I rushed out to the store for eggs and water and V8 juice and fruits and vegetables and rice cakes for the week. In the check out line I picked up the latest copy of US Weekly and In Style. I never buy In Style, but one of my favorite people ever {Taylor Swift} is on the cover and I just had to get it.
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I've been in the middle of day dreaming and being frustrated that I don't have the time to make my dreams come true.
I wait and yet in the waiting I'm planning.
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It's in the moments of quiet and stillness that I hear Him speak to me.
When I'm walking the neighborhood alone or worshiping Him or driving alone or reading my bible or when I'm in prayer.
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