This week has been a little unnerving.

I've started my antibiotic treatment for the Lyme disease that has been playing house in my body for so long.

It aint easy.

When killing off this bacteria you often experience a worsening of your symptoms before you get better. It's from the bacteria that is being killed and the toxins it's leaving behind.

As you can possibly imagine that isn't fun or easy and, at times, has even become scary.

But I hang on for the ride.

At least now I experience much needed hope.

I now know why the pain and fatigue have been so present in my body for so long, and how to begin getting rid of it all, getting back to me once again.

I took a picture of the corn field next door.

I edited it to my eyes delight.

It brought me some pleasure, I hope it does the same for you.

I thank God for giving me an appreciative eye for His beauty. Not only does it draw me closer to Him, but it also fills my being with much pleasure…much, much.

{how could i not look at nature and think of Him and thank Him for it every single day?}

Today I spent far too much time in front of the television taking it easy.

Really, I must admit, I wasn't as much taking it easy as I was doing my best to make it through the symptoms that slammed my body after the antibiotic this morning.

That tiny white pill packs a powerful punch.

We watched a lot of the Billy the Exterminator marathon on A&E today.

The boys were intrigued by the wild animals and why the Billy Man was saving everything except the wasps.

I walked past my two older boys room tonight and caught a glimpse of them in the same bed, watching tonight's new episode of Billy the Exterminator.

Made my cheeks hurt from grinning.

And then, I joined them.

Sweet ending to another day.

Another day closer to my full recovery.

Another day further away from the hell of not knowing what, why, when, how, if…

Tonight.

Tonight I rest in the Lord's arms, for I need His comforting embrace.

That warm, sweet, tender embrace I've come to know and need and love so much.

A love so tender… an embrace equally so.

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a girl and her boys

a boy and his silly expressions

another boy jumping behind the camera for his turn

a girl looking at life through the lens

getting behind the lens when the mood calls for it

happy…

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sleeping beauty makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me smile again.

he's a dash{ing} little boy, who laughs at his Mama, runs to her when he needs a snuggle, and loves to annoy his brothers already.

special since the day he was conceived, he made his personality known even while growing inside my womb, such a gentle and lovely soul.

he is the baby, and knows it.

spoiled? maybe, a little.

loved immensely? yes.

he is the baby, though i think he'd be a wonderful big brother to a baby sister.

{a mother can dream}

watching him drift to sleep, whether in my bed or in his own, is still one of my most favorite parts of motherhood.

i love him deeply.

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A cute little silver elephant necklace.

A baby {with a really rad name}, playing around with Daddy's hat.

Playing 'hide the thimble' with my boys, with the thimbles that me, my brother and my Granny played with as life time ago.

Making silly faces with my children.

Old family photo's.

My three children playing nicely together, looking at a 'buggie' on the window.

{Happiness} is so simple.

What does your uncomplicated happy look like?

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Moments float by, easily missed in the mayhem of each day.

The noise and the pulling and tugging of daily tasks keep one's mind busy and unfocused.

So many moments are left to move on without me, leaving me sitting on the sidelines with fatigue.

but in their place are the moments that might never have seemed that important before…

might never have been special or picture worthy.

Now, those moments fill my heart with a joy not defined by words.

Appreciating each day I have with them.

Truly appreciating.

Like Nick and Zane climbing the ladder their Daddy is using to put in a new ceiling fan…. making their "mean" faces while I snap the picture that will live on long past that moment in time.

And walking into the kitchen, where Zane plays nosily with his lego's, finding him in his Daddy's hat on backwards.I stopped, looking at how grown up he has become. How did he get so grown up so fast?

While laying down on the couch, catching a much needed moment to rest I look over at my "baby", who doesn't look a whole lot like a baby anymore, I over hear him talking on the phone to "Daddy". He looks at the phone, smiles wide and shows me those big beautiful teeth that fill his mouth so perfectly, and squeals. I sigh, sucking in the joy that is floating through my home, and appreciate each moment I have with my beautiful children.

I'm not the mom I once was. I'm not capable of taking long hikes, chasing them through the yard or going to the zoo on a hot summers day…

I miss that mom and I know they do too.

But no matter what my body is telling me, my heart will always find a way to appreciate and live fully (whatever that looks like at the time) in this moment.

This moment where my children are children.

Their moment.

I'm so grateful to be living in this moment with them.

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I see it clearly, as though I’m seeing a picture of an actual home that will be ours one day but it just doesn’t know it yet. I imagine the home has a different family living in it right now. A family that enjoys it but doesn’t love it quite the way I will.

I breathe deeply, smiling wide, eyes scanning each part of the main living space as I take it all in.

Hardwood floors, old and maybe scratched up a bit, full of character. French doors leading out to the back deck that wraps around the back and side of the house. A big beautiful brick fireplace adorns the main wall of the living room, with just enough space on either side for our "things."

I picture a TV area on one side, resting perfectly inside one of those tasteful pieces of furniture that hold all your television equipment but that has doors to close it all up when it isn’t being used. I really dislike seeing the TV when it isn't being used.

Over on the right hand side of the fireplace is a simple L shaped desk that holds a computer and room for lots of children doing homework or putting together puzzles.

There’s a large L shaped couch, something totally comfortable because that is what our family is… comfortable and simple. Some fun flea-shop-find end table and coffee table and maybe an old worn in swivel chair. The seating would be set up so that the fireplace could be enjoyed, conversation could be had, books read, television watched, good times held year after year. No matter where you were in the living space, no matter what you were doing, you'd always be part of the action.

Behind the seating area would be the dining area, all open to the living and kitchen. My mind sees a large table that could easily seat 12, something warm and simple, but maybe with mismatched chairs to give it character. I can see laughter, smiles, days events shared. Off in the future I see myself older and gray-haired, smiling deeply as I entertain my grandchildren at that table… maybe arts and crafts, or play dough… maybe a Granddaughter playing tea party with me and her Grandpa.

The kitchen would have the modern conveniences that newer kitchens have  but would be warm, simple and comfortable. There’d be a big beautiful window above the kitchen sink overlooking lush grass, trees and flowers that colorful birds and butterfly’s enjoyed daily.

While washing the dishes after a satisfying meal, I’d gaze towards the living area where all my sons and their father sit, laughing and playing their wii – or whatever was the “in” gaming system then.

The lighting would be dim and warm, the smell of spice candles filling the room, fireplace flickering, heart busting at the seams with love and appreciation.

What makes this home my dream home is the space it brings to my family. The space for television watching, computer working, homework doing, meal eating, desert preparing, book reading, fireplace gazing, family time comfort with me and all my boys in the same room… together, close, comfortable.

Safe.

Secure.

Happy.

Together.

Even the nights when we'd be doing our own thing, we’d still be close… near to one another, covered in the family love we share.

I know that no matter what home we live in we already share that same love and sweetness — that no makes the family…. But I do dream of this home where everything but the sleeping can happen in the same room. Together.

{and maybe some nights the sleeping would happen in that room, because I am that fun mom sometimes.}

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It …

it has been nearly five years since the morning that shook all our worlds to the deepest core.

five years.

often it feels like 50 years, not 5.

then other times I remember so vividly what it felt like to see my brother walk into our home for dinner that it feels like just yesterday.

I'll wrestle with the emotions and reality of that day for the rest of my life, most likely.

How could I not?

Everyone was affected.

He and I mingled in the same core group of friends. We worked at the same place. My husband still works at that same place part time.

But I have no contact with anyone now.

It was so hard on them, to lose a friend at the hand of their other friend (my brother)… I don't blame them, but it hurt and still does.

Backs were turned. Eyes got wide, mouths whispered, lines were drawn, sides taken.

I sometimes think of them.

Wonder how they are, who they are now, if they have children and are happy.

When looking through pictures of the good times, I run into their smiling faces and miss what used to be.

wonder.

wish.

pray for them.

Recently I searched for a few of them on facebook and found their profile pictures. I smiled. Called my husband over to look at how they've changed, and not-so-secretly desired a re-connection with them.

But we weren't besties or anything. And they were much closer to the friend that lost his life because of my brother.

So I don't.

It hurts my heart that my brother's crime has been put on me and my family, but it has, by many people.

It may not be fair but it's a reality.

Yes, two people can grow up in the same family, with the same parents, and same life and be two such totally different people.

But…

it's most people's gut reaction, when they hear of it, to associate me with him.

such is life.

my life.

our lives.

I love my brother and always will.

He isn't who he used to be. The baby brother I worked hard to protect and love and take care of. The one that I laughed with and played with all my young life. But he is still my brother, no matter what.

I'm practically all he has now.

It's a burden but I carry it.

…because I have to… because most of the time I want to.

But lest anyone question my heart, it's filled to the brim with compassion and love for everyone else involved in this crime… every. single. one.

Maybe—-

one day

they'll reach out to me and say hello…

maybe they wonder about me and my family from time to time.

And if they do, I hope the memories don't bring them sorrow but instead bring a smile to their face.

though, that might be too much to ask.

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