Weighs Heavy
I
t's so annoying that I'm 31 and still straddling the fence of joy and sadness thanks to some childhood demons of mine.
I remember growing up and thinking that when you become an adult everything should just be happy and anything from your childhood should just be "fixed" And if it isn't fixed then that is your fault, grow up and get on with your life.
The problem comes when you haven't dealt with whatever is haunting you. When you push it "under the rug" and expect it to stay there.
In
evitably, though, the rug will be pulled out from under you from time to time and that 'ugly' from your childhood comes out.
And then what? How do you deal? What do you do? Do you self-destruct? Do you sweep it back? Do you melt down and then get back on with life the next day?
I sometimes fight the impulses to self-destruct. There's a part of me that could get really dark, if I let it.
I d
on't. I don't because I have a family that is now relying on me to give them a safe and happy childhood. And holy crap, is that not the biggest – and most frightening – task of my entire life, or what? It scares me when I really swim around in that knowledge.
I'm responsible for whether my children will grow up and become happy, well rounded adults… or whether they grow up repeating my same mistakes, or turn into adults that have childhood issues.
I never looked at Parenthood in this way before I had children. Not really. How could I? Until you're a parent there's no way you ca
n honestly know what it'll be like, or how you'll feel about it all.
I can only pray, and strive, and work hard to make sure I am the best I can be. Better than I am now. Every day, I need to be better than I was the day before.
And somehow, in between making sure I'm the best Mom I can be for my children, and the best wife I can be for my husband; I need to deal with my demons and chase them out of my life.
.
'cause, really, how can I be the best for everyone else when I'm not the best for me?
Maybe one day we'll have enough money to chuck it at a therapist when I need to unload all this heaviness. Until then, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing for {what seems like} a lifetime — taking it day by day.
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Comments on Weighs Heavy
I remember being a kid and thinking that, once I grew up, all the problems I had in my life would vanish, and I'd be successful, self-assured, and everyone would like me.
Unfortunately, I was imagining myself past the points in my life when I'd actually have to do something to make all that stuff happen. Sometimes therapists will tell you to visualize your goals as having already been accomplished, but in the end, you still have to travel each mile of the road between here and there, to get to the destination. I don't know if I'm there yet. I don't know if I'll ever get "there".
Even if everyone around us who loves us accepts who we are, it's still a matter of accepting ourselves.
I think we all have our own things that haunt us. Taking it day by day is good. Sometimes minute by minute is good too. Thank you for sharing your struggles. It reminds me that I'm not alone in fighting the darkness…
Heather G´s last blog ..Todays Mama Giveaway
@James:
Insightful stuff as always!
Nell
@Heather G:
Not alone at all. I know most of us can relate to these feelings to a degree. I wish there were more that couldn't!
Nell
My grandma's two favorite sayings (and I wish she was still here to remind me of them from time to time):
"Everybody's got something…"
and
"You worry about you…."
One to remind me that everyone deals with something and I'm not alone, and one to remind me that I need to think about myself and (selectively) not worry about others' issues with me if they have them.
I think everyone has something they push down or compartmentalize. Until something triggers a reaction or memory. You're not alone, Nell!
Jen Knox´s last blog ..The 2010 Dishwasher Hunt is On!
@Jen Knox:
Your Grandmother is was a very smart lady. And I bet she meant a whole lot to you. I wish she was still there for you, too.
Nell
Nell Taliercio´s last blog ..Wht Was This Such A Mystery?
So know that feeling of a weight bearing down – remnants from growing up and messed up family and all that fun. I often wonder how good of a parent I can be, with the mess that is inside my head and the little guidance I had from my parents. But I think the fact that we worry about it and question it – that right there makes us pretty good parents. We care enough to hope and pray we are leading them down the right path.
Laurie´s last blog ..Memory Lane Monday: Love Letters
I think you're doing an incredible job. Almost everyone has their demons whether childhood leftovers or adult add ons. I'm not so sure we're intended to fully shake all of them. Moving on and embracing the good doesn't always make the bad go away.
Madeline´s last blog ..Let The Countdown Begin
Nell – as always very inspirational and insightful. I not only felt that way as a child but I sometimes still feel like "when am I going to grow up and all the pieces will just fit". I don't remember my parents having all these fights over money and the kids, but then again they really didn't fight in front of us. Gee – no wonder being an adult and parent looked so cool and nice. They hid the reality of it from me. Even to this day when I'm upset or something's not working out right, I call and ask my dad "where's the instruction manual". His response is simple, "There isn't one, honey. Just do the best you can." I guess that's all we can really ask of ourselves – just do the best I can.
May I recommend a couple of books? "How To Be Free From Bitterness" by Jim Wilson and "Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety: Becoming A Woman of Faith and Confidence" by Elyse Fitzpatrick. Both of there books are on my "To Read" list because SOOOO many people I know, love and respect, have read, loved and recommended them to me. I am in the process of reading the "How To Be Free From Bitterness" which is helping me deal with some pretty serious childhood baggage I have. Hang in there sweet cousin, you are doing a great job!
Love, Rach
Wow…this post totally resonated with me. I feel the weight of the responsibilities of parenting so heavily sometimes. I can't imagine that I {someone so utterly broken} am responsible for the current and future happiness of my children. It's crazy. But then I try to remember that I have God to help me. You are an amazing mom…I can already tell because you care about this very topic. It shows a lot. And therapists are way over rated!
Maegan´s last blog ..Blizzard…
I'm 31 as well and it seems that this year I have had to deal with my issues more than ever. It's been a horribly hard year and I feel like it's been a daily struggle to not let myself turn into a dark, introverted, self-distructing person. It's getting better, I've been reading a book called "Boundaries", that's been helping me alot. Your blog has actually helped me alot the past six months, you're very real, I feel like I've gotten to know you, see your heart, and I feel like we're alike in ways. I guess what I'm saying is thank you for being honest and writing about these things, you have helped me and I am grateful.
Joyful Growing´s last blog ..What do you call it?
"Inevitably the rug will be pulled out from under you from time to time" and all you can do is fall back on God and trust that He will carry you through and heal your soul from the scars left behind, from the demons still haunting you. I understand where you are coming from and I will pray for you. May God abundantly bless you and yours. I hope whatever is sapping you of energy will be made right within you.
Tricia´s last blog ..Thankful Thursday