They Say Time Eases Pain. They Are Wrong. They've Never Lived This Pain.
I sit blankly staring at the computer screen. Half of me feels nothing, while the other half feels a familiar feeling. This feeling that washes over my soul each Christmas season with dread and darkness. With the hustle and bustle of busy people around me happily shopping for their loved ones, I sit still. I watch it all.
I read the joyful, beautiful blog posts. I look at all the lovely photographs of Mom’s baking cookies with their children, happy families putting up their Christmas tree’s. I read their words. Oh their words. The kind of posts that 99% of their readers can relate to and feel compelled to chime in with how much fun this time of year is to them.
I read it and feel numb.
Christmas has a different feeling for me since that one dreadful night over 4 years ago. The night that changed so many people’s lives. The night we can never get back or change or erase.
I logically remember the good Christmases but the emotion of those days have all but faded. I remember it with my mind, but it's hard to bring back that feeling in my emotional memory.
Oh those amazing Christmases, where Mom would make a huge homemade breakfast for dinner. Don’t you just love eating breakfast for dinner? I do. Did. We’ve not done it since. I don’t think I could.
There’d be Christmas music in the background, the smells of eggs and biscuits and cinnamon rolls filled the air. Laughter spilled through the house and echoed off the walls. Such beautiful, loud, gut busting laughter.
I’d look over and catch my Mom smiling a big, deep, soulful smile as her son and daughter and son-in-law talked, and joked and laughed together. I’ve not seen that peace and joy washed across her beautiful face for a very long time.
We’d tear into the piles and piles of presents creeping out from every corner of the living room.
We’d all scream with delight with the shirt or perfume or cd or movie’s we received. We’d hug each other and thank each other and love each other.
The night would draw to an end. We’d help clean up, laugh a little more, eat another cookie, hug each other…
There is no laughter. Not like that.
There are no gifts. Not like that. My parents went broke funding my brother’s lawyers. My poor parents. My heart breaks for them on so many levels.
Music? I guess. I don’t notice it filling me with the same joy. I rarely listen to it any more.
There’s no brother to joke with. No brother to hug. No brother to tease. The brother I’m now left with I don’t even know. Or, much of the time even like.
Christmas has been altered for me, for my Mom… and I’m not sure how to get it back to the way it was. Because I don’t feel Christmas any more.
I’m not a Bah-Hum-Bug for my children. We decorate. We play music sometimes. We watch Christmas movies. We have good times during this holiday season. I love them and would never take that from them.
But it’s almost like I’m just simply going through the motions.
I don’t feel it anymore.
And how much I wish I could feel it.
But, I mostly just feel empty and pain this time of year.
And hurt.
He’s sitting behind bars. He is there by his own hand. His actions forever changed so many facets of our lives and our beings. And I’m still having a very hard time figuring out how to mourn him, but be angry at him at the time same. Miss how things used to be, but move forward.
I hope one day I’ll laugh like I used to. My Mother’s favorite quality in me was my loud, boisterous, joyful laugh. From the soul, she’d say. And truth be told, I miss that laughter too. It was carefree and light hearted. That Nell is a totally different person now. I hardly remember what it was like to be her.
So if you notice a lacking of Christmas cheer on my blog, now you know why.
It’s buried behind pain and numbness and tears.
Maybe one day I’ll dig it back up.
.
.
.
I feel pressed to express how beautiful this time of year is when I remember baby Jesus. Only the reality of why Christmas exists makes me happy. To think of Him and what He has given me. I’ll live with joy and peace forever with Him. I’ll forget this pain like it never existed. Nothing can steal that joy from me.
Leave a Comment
Comments on They Say Time Eases Pain. They Are Wrong. They've Never Lived This Pain.
I'm probably not qualified to make a comment since I don't celebrate Christmas and don't miss it, but you seem to want to be able to connect to what you used to feel for this season.
A friend of mine lost her husband in a tragic accident about five years ago. She grieved, but somehow had this expectation that, when the main wave of pain was over, she would move on and never have those feelings again. Then she called me one day in a panic. A friend lost her husband in a sudden accident, and all of my friend's horrible grief came back like a wave, as if her husband had died yesterday. She thought she was losing her mind and didn't understand why she had "regressed".
Grief and pain eventually get covered up by day-to-day living, but it never really goes away. A particular time of year, the sound of a special song, or watching someone else go through the same thing can bring it all back. If it's tied to Christmas, then Christmas becomes a hideous reminder.
Most of the time, my friend is fine. She misses her husband, but can talk about him and even joke about things he did. Every once in awhile, something happens and she finds herself curled up in the middle of the night, crying and clutching the pillow on his side of the bed.
While what you're describing isn't death, it is grief. The wound will always be there for you in one way or another; like a scar that never really healed. I'd like to say that you can decide how much of it to hang on to and how much of it to release, but I don't know that for sure. I can only hope and pray that God will be merciful and give you a kind of peace that normally eludes human beings.
James´s last blog ..Breathing Free Air
So sorry. I can't say I know how you feel, but I have mixed feelings about the holidays for other reasons.
I'm glad you can focus on the true meaning of the season. Maybe in time you can build your own, new traditions with your boys and feel some of the joy again. Maybe not the carefree times of years past. But a deeper joy that comes from Someone much bigger than our pain and sorrows. When we think of the gift of Christ and what the advent season is about, the other stuff is just "fluff."
Mama K´s last blog ..she's crafty
I don't know the right words, Nell. I wish I did.
I do offer my thoughts, hugs, and prayers.
Sharon´s last blog ..The Family Tree Extended
I am so glad you wrote this, Nell. As always, you and your family are in my prayers. I know you have a strong faith, is there some way to make a fresh start with His birth on Christmas? Spend this next year creating new traditions, from scratch? I know you will do it. I know you will. It might take time, and there will always be something lacking, but you'll get that laugh again.
Sending you a huge hug tonight.
Corinne´s last blog ..Smiles for a Saturday
My heart aches for you over this. What awful losses you have suffered, and what a difficult time of year this must be. But, that last paragraph makes me joyful for you. You may not be feeling the cheer, but you haven't in the least lost the true meaning of Christmas. I've seen so many who had the cheer but missed the meaning. I pray that someday you'll feel both again, but I'm so glad for you that you've got the most important one tucked away in your heart.
And, thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean so much to me. It's times like these when I'm especially grateful for blog friends.
Merry Christmas.
Madeline´s last blog ..Moving Out…Are You Coming? ; )
Praying sweetie. I tragically lost an aunt this time of the year many years ago and it's affected me year since – now some 23 years later.
We don't do "christmas" but I can relate to feeling numb when you know you should be feeling joy. Praying…
Annette´s last blog ..Psalm 150
Awwwh Nell my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what it must be like. I do know that this year with everything going on recently with my grandma that I've lost a lot of the Christmas cheer & spirit that I finally got back this year for the first time in many years. I'm praying for you and your family Nell.
Tishia Lee´s last blog ..If Death Has A ‘Feel’ To It – I’ve Just Felt It
Nell, I don't know what to say except that my heart breaks for you and for your family. ((hug))
So sorry for your pain, Nell.
Stephanie´s last blog ..Midwife, OB, or Family Practitioner : how to choose a caregiver