This Is Real Reality.
Tonight I rushed out to the store for eggs and water and V8 juice and fruits and vegetables and rice cakes for the week. In the check out line I picked up the latest copy of US Weekly and In Style. I never buy In Style, but one of my favorite people ever {Taylor Swift} is on the cover and I just had to get it.
But I'm down here in the basement and the magazine is upstairs unread. I can't get the visit with my brother today out of my heart or mind long enough to care what Taylor is wearing or how fabulous her life is or how every one loves her.
I hadn't seen my brother in almost two years. Well, I guess if I'm being exact it's been one year and 8 months. He's in prison for those of you who don't know. He's serving life. He's mentally ill. It sucks. Sorry, but it does.
I wasn't prepared for what I saw today.
Unbeknown to me he dropped a ton of weight in those 1 year and 8 months since I'd seen him last. I gasped when I saw him and remarked to the guard {yes, I can't believe I'm even blogging about guards and prison and walking through metal detectors and having my pockets pulled out of my clothes to make sure I'm not sneaking anything in…} how skinny he was. The guard mentioned he's been dropping a lot of weight lately.
My eyes poured over his face. I didn't know this man. He looked older. Much older. Gaunt. His facial skin was tight, I could see bones in his face. I literally didn't recognize his face.It made me think of Kevin Bacon in that movie where he went to prison and was mistreated and put in solitary for a long time.
He looked so happy to see us. We had our pictures taken. The joy was palpable on him face viewing our photo's. For me I feel pain when looking at them. I won't be posting the pictures here. It's too painful to see him like that.
Prison has changed him. Inside and out. I don't know this person. He isn't a harsh, mean, heartless, user man like most people think of prisoners. But he looks defeated, sad, lonely and sick. And he isn't on his much needed medication for his Schizophrenia.
I'll never get used to this. I don't want to. Damn it this sucks. I want to grieve him but I feel like I can't, or don't know how, since he is still alive. I want to be mad but at whom? It is technically his fault he is there. But it's complicated. I want to rewind time so badly. Take away the mistake he was about to make. Save the life of his friend and change his future. I can't.
Very few people think about this side of a crime. This side of a crime is as painful as the other side… just in different ways.
God, I want to make this all go away. I can try and ignore it, play like it isn't our reality, but it is. It is.
My reality.
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Nell I am thinking of you so much and will pray for you in just a minute here when I get in bed. Treat yourself tenderly.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. I remember visiting my brother in jail (not prison) and wondering when it would end up being prison if he didn't get his life together.
I can't even imagine the pain and feelings you have dealing with this. I do know that you have what many people don't. You have God. And He will give you the peace that passes all understanding. All you can do is pray for him. God can touch him where he is.
I'm sending you hugs and positive thoughts and many prayers!
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I am so sorry you have to go through this. It must be so hard, for all of you.
I really appreciate you sharing. You are in my thoughts, and prayers, all of you.
Just sending you a hug this morning. I volunteered in a prison ministry for a few years – that time helped me see the other side and to feel an empathy for the prisoners that I wouldn't have had otherwise. It is hard and I wouldn't want to get used to it either.
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Nell, I can so much relate to all of this, I just want to give you a huge hug.
As you know, my brother is also schizophrenic. There have been many times when he took off, going off his meds (probably not in that order), and by the time we'd see him again months later, he'd easily be down 40+ pounds. NEVEr looking the same.
I saw him last Christmas for the first time over 4 years. My heart stopped for a minute. He looked older than my uncle, and my uncle is over 20 years older than my brother. He weighed less than me, wore smaller sizes, and had almost all gray hair. My brother is in his mid-40's.
My brother is not in prison, but I do believe that with this harsh mental illness, schizophrenia, they are victims to the prisons of their mind. That may sound corny, but after living with someone who suffers from the illness, you know it's true.
Big hugs to you. I wish we could go out for lunch or coffee. So much to relate on.
God Bless you for visiting your brother. I know those pictures may be hard to look at, but thank God you have them. I am sure they will become priceless.
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I wish I had words to comfort you Nell. But I don't… so I'll send you good vibes and send up prayers for you and your family.
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Hugs Nell!!
I can't imagine what you're going through so I don't know what to say other than I'm sending my biggest hugs your way. Just wanted to let ya know you have my support
Thinking of you, Nell. I'm not exactly sure what else to say, except that I'm thinking of you and praying for you right at this very moment.
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I know there are no words that will make you feel better, so I'll just leave you a (((hug))) instead.
Is he off his medication by choice or by order? Is there something you can do to get him back on them so that he can feel functionable and hopefully regain a few pounds.