Pain

This day is painful. But no more so than any other day I let my mind wander to the pain of that day four years ago.

I think about the details of his death and it makes me physically ill. I have a couple pictures of him. When I'm particularly sad, I look at them. It only makes the pain that much worse, but I feel like I owe it to him to feel this pain…and to remember him.

After all, his son is without a father for the rest of his life. His parents without a son. His brother and friends and the rest of his family without that person they loved so deeply.

I think of all the things he was robbed of. No first day of school with his son. No first bike ride, no more birthday parties. No first love, no helping his son drive his first car, no high school graduation. He won't be a grandpa; he won't see his son get married. He won't be there for him in his good or bad times.

And then I think of his little boy. He's the one suffering the most. I can't let my soul fully comprehend what that little boy thinks about or feels… the loneliness and confusion. I think of him and I think of my sons. He is just an innocent little boy going through this life with no daddy. This mommy heart of mine wishes I could make it all better for him, and I don't even know him personally. But it doesn't matter. I don't have to know him to feel pain for him.

Today is a day that I mourn for the victims' family and for the victim. It's no longer a day I mourn for my brother and my family. Not that I don't feel pain and a sense of loss for my family, because I do. Several times throughout the year, or even throughout the day, I think about what this has done to our lives…mostly my mother. She's been through so much in her life, and she deserved a happy normal life with her children.

But, in the end, when it comes down to it, they have suffered the most. And if I could tell them how deeply, intensely, truly sorry I am for their loss I would. If my sorrow could bring their son back, he'd be here with us. It can't. He'll never be back with them.

I'll say a prayer for his family today, like I do most days, but today I'll pray a little harder than normal.