I'm Still Standing
Feeling helpless is almost the worst feeling someone can have when they love someone, and they just can't "fix it".
I've felt that a few times in my life.
One… when my only sibling was diagnosed with schizophrenia several years ago.
Two… when he took the life of his friend, when lost in his madness.
Three… when my own Mother tried to kill herself during the lead up to his trial.
(okay, really, I could name many more than three.)
I've always been the protector. I've always felt like I should shoulder every one's burden, hold them when they cried, have their back when someone attacked them…
I remember sitting in trial, with my arm around my Mother who was shrinking into me, listening to some pretty awful things, and feeling like I had this thick armour around my heart. Only I didn't. Not really. I was there to hold them, love them, try to protect them, shoulder their burden, their pain, their sorrow, their misery, their mental illnesses…and often I felt like no one was there for me.
Sure, I had my husband, and he was great. I had my kids, and they helped take my mind off of it. But sometimes I just wanted my brother to come out of his illness and be there for me. I wanted my Mom to stop thinking about her own pain, and think of mine.
I wanted to feel like the weak one, the one who needed their protection.
Do I complain? No, not really. I love my family deeply. And oh how I wish they were free from their pains, and ilnesses. Oh how I wish that I could take it all away. Sometimes I wonder why it wasn't me. Why it wasn't me that was mentally ill. Or me that was so depressed she couldn't take life anymore.
Why God chose me to be the healthy one, the sane one, the strong one…sometimes I wonder, but not for long. I know it has to all be for a reason. Sometimes I think that if not for me, my family would have totally fallen apart…or, maybe I'm just fooling myself and it really has fallen apart.
In the midst of the rubble here I stand. With God. With my strength. With my husband, my children, my heart. I'm still standing.
Leave a Comment
Comments on I'm Still Standing
We are all here for a reason. Possibly it is your gift in this life to protect others and be strong for them. Not everyone is entrust with such a great gift.
You have strength beyond belief. It is ok however, to ask for help once in awhile. Even us strong one's need a shoulder to lean on….that too is ok.
Here's to "still standing" after all the pain.
Lori
loris last blog post..Forgiveness
A huge hug to you. I wish I were close by and could bring over some chocolate and tissue. Just know I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength.
Miches last blog post..I Have a New Phone
Powerful post…truly powerful! I thank you for it. Your not alone with the way you feel……hugs
Chrissys last blog post..So I lost quite a bit of posts
Huggs!!!! Love you Nell!
Renees last blog post..Me and my sleeping Baby
I totally understand what you are feeling especially about needing to be the weak one.. if only for a few minutes. I guess I have my husband for that. But you and I both know that's not the same.
Awww Nell. My heart aches for you. If I were there right now, I'd give you a big hug. Lean on me anytime! =(
Oh my gosh, Nell. You are officially on my top 10 list of Strongest Women I Know. I do know what you mean about needing to be "weak" for a while. But you know what – you wouldn't be you if you were.
Donnas last blog post..Sometimes I Miss It. . .
You are so brave to post this. I am praying for you girl!
You are so incredibly strong. Unfortunately, life is never quite as perfect as we might like. But through all the chaos, your family is lucky to have you – and you're lucky to have a great family too.
Amy (from Gracobaby)s last blog post..Wondrous Wednesday #74
You are so incredibly strong. Unfortunately, life is never quite as perfect as we might like. But through all the chaos, your family is lucky to have you – and you're lucky to have a great family too.
what a truthful, bare naked post. thank you for this, and you are not alone. it was a blessing to me to read this, as in so many ways i am a kindred spirit. a mentally ill brother, and the glue that holds a family together despite the cracks in everyone elses shells. i too feel like sometimes it is wwwaaaayyyyy to much to bear. thank you for reminding me i am not alone as well…
Momma Ds last blog post..Gabriel's Amazing Accomplishment
You've said what I think a lot of us feel, and show your strength and vulnerability at the same time.
My husband has supported me through a lot, too, and you're right, it's not quite the same thing. Do you suppose it's because what we really want is even a moment's worth of reciprocation from the person/people that we give so much to? For that one that you're always there for to be there for you, too? Sadly, it almost never happens.
Wendys last blog post..Lost in Transition
Wow, this is huge. Your journey and honesty is so raw and inspiring. Thank you for sharing!
Hugs,
Melissa Taylor
Melissa Taylors last blog post..Dig: shovel, toys, dirt, water